The first time she came over, there were four other people including my father in the house. I hadn’t expected her to be fine, so imagine my surprise when I beheld a hottie at my gate saying her name was (looks around the House for a word that can pass as a name) Kadris. I let her in, all the while thinking, “Chai, why didn’t I start setting the p online?”

But of course, as a smart Lagos hustler, I knew that I may be a bit late to the contest but the deadline had not passed. And so, I began formulating a winning plan.

PHASE ONE: Plant The Idea

I sat next to her and played with her hair and thighs, stroking just to the borderline of friendly and respectable, seeing as we were seated with other guests. She didn’t withdraw even though she knew that I was bisexual and that all that touching from me wasn’t mere friendly “girls” play.

A good sign from the gods, I supposed.

Time passed and soon, everyone was leaving. It was time for phase two of the plan.

PHASE TWO: Believe In Your Inner Yoruba Demon

I told her that she shouldn’t rush home and that if she stayed an extra hour with me, I’d pay for her transport. This was at the gate. She looked at me with the expression of that black moon face on whatsapp and asked me if I planned to do anything funny. Being a true hoe, I brought out my guilt card and played it so damn well.

“Ah-ah, is it because I’m bi that you think that I don’t just want to chill with you? Oya come and be going. See how you are already stereotyping me with those people who don’t have self control. It was hard to talk to you amongst the others, and everyone knows why.” (This bit was bait beautifully set) I continued, “Now that I’m trying to actually talk to you without stuttering, you are assuming that I want to knack you. Oya bye-bye now, I’ll text you later.”

I sighed heavily at this point and began to walk back to the house slowly, leaving her at the compound gate.

5, 4, 3, 2 –

She called out my name. I did a hair-flip in my mind, before turning around to face her. She was walking back to me.

“I’m sorry, it’s not like that. Oya I’ll stay,” she said, hugging me from behind.

Oh, the sweet feel of breasts on my back. Now wait for it.

“You said everyone knows why it was hard for you to talk to me. I don’t know why. Tell me.”

Bait bitten.

“Oh, Kaddy stop, you just want me to say it and feel embarrassed. You know why na.”

“You won’t feel embarrassed and I swear I don’t know why. Tell me please.” She hugged me tighter.

Bait swallowed. Now watch me reel her in. I looked at her with an uncertain smile, and then cast my eyes to the ground.

“It was hard for me to talk to you because beautiful women intimidate me. There I said it.”

“Aww,” she cooed. Then she hugged me and kissed my cheek.

That, ladies and gentlemen, is how to play the sanctimonious hoe card.

We went back into the house for us to see that there was one guy still around. He said that he wanted to gist with us and that he would leave later. Let’s call this boy Jude. He gave me this bad eye and sat down beside Kaddy, leaving me to sit opposite them. Talk about a pussy block. (Yes, I know that’s not a thing.) Anyhow, as a true Yoruba in chase of a woman, I didn’t let distance deter me. (Yes, I believe Yorubas have a way with women. Go ahead and call me tribalistic.)

As we gisted, I dropped compliments all over Kadris. Jude seemed to be beefing my abilities, so he dropped an unexpected bomb on me.

“Kaddy, how far your boyfriend?” He turned his head slowly to me and smirked.

Bloody bastard!

“I don’t know sef,” Kadris said. “I don’t even like him like that again. Our relationship is lacking something.”

At her response, I gave Jude a pointed look and my own slow smile. His smirk dissolved into a frown. Soon he was leaving and Kaddy said she had to leave too. Thank the Lord for bringing Uber to Nigeria. I ordered a cab for her and sent her on her way.


Just like a game of chess, I had moved out my pawns and now I had space to attack. I called Kadris to find out if she had arrived home safely, asked if she had a good time. Receiving affirmative answers, I began to tell her how I had enjoyed myself and she suggested we hang out again. Seeing as she said this and not me, I figured I ought to say something to ensure that our next meeting was anything but platonic.

“Kaddy, I like you,” I began.

Down went her rook.

She laughed. “I like you too, buddy.”

Buddy kwa? My bishop was dead instantly.

“I mean I like, like, like you.”

My rook was set to take out her knight.

“Oh.” A three second silence, then, “I think I like, like, like you too.”

She’d moved a pawn. Her knight was dead.

“Oh well then, I guess that’s nice. We’ll talk sometime soon, ya?”

Her move now.

“Of course, bae. I’ll call you tomorrow.”

Played right into my hands! Nawa o! What is with girls of these days? Because I said I like, like, like her, I have turned to bae. Sigh, whatever, as long as I get to go bae-low her. (See what I did there?)

PHASE FOUR: I’ve Run Out Of Names For Phases

We spoke at least twice each week; she called me most times. I didn’t hound her. I am an experienced hoe and I must tell you that the best way to land someone is to treat them like a plant. Occasionally water them with affection. Then disappear. Trust me when I say they will come find you for more.

Each time we spoke, she kept insisting she is straight. (Of course she is. And Titanic was an airplane. Mscheew) I didn’t let this stop me though. I played the caring card well. I asked about her day, her family, school, her sisters, her favorite TV show. I gave her the attention her bobo was not giving her. And I waited. A good player must always be patient.

A month passed and I decided to speed up the process.

“Hey Kaddy,” I said, sighing loudly. (I seemed to be doing that a lot)

“Hi babe, what’s wrong?”

“Nothing o, it’s just that my younger brother has gone to boarding house and now every day, I’m always home alone till evening when my parents come back.”

Bait set.

“Aww, sorry, dear. Can’t you go out?”

Time to lower the line into the water.

“My dad doesn’t like me going out. He said he doesn’t want them to kidnap his only daughter. This house is always so boring.”

“I’m sorry. Would you like me to come over and entertain you?”

Bait swallowed.

“Are you sure? What will we do when you come over? I’m boring.” I asked this because I wanted to make sure I wasn’t reading the wrong thing into that ‘entertain you’.

“We’ll do anything you like.”


“How’s this Friday for you?”

“Perfect,” she purred over the phone. (I’m not exaggerating. She actually purred, I swear!)

“Friday it is then. Bye princess.”

And then Friday arrived.

I just realized I didn’t introduce myself. My apologies.  I am Ife Pervy of the House Stark, the First of Her Name, the Unburnt, Queen of Lagos, Queen of the Blackies and the Omo Pupas and the Bleaching Squad, Khaleesi of the Great Ogun River, Expert Looker of the Boobs and Mother of Pervs.

And you are?

Written by iAmNotAPerv

Next Season Three Of ‘American Crime Story’ Will Tell The Story Of Versace’s Murder

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  1. Mandy
    October 19, 06:37 Reply

    ??? This reads uncannily like the viewpoint of a man. Wow. Talk about doing better what a man can do. Abeg hurry up with the gist of what happened on Friday.

    • Kenny
      October 19, 06:44 Reply

      I swear! I was unsure @ the beginning whether it was a guy or a lady.

    • iAmNotAPerv
      October 19, 12:22 Reply

      Thank you, i will update soon. i promise not to be like some people that use months to update @Mandy

  2. Kenny
    October 19, 06:42 Reply

    This was a really refreshing read. Very enjoyable. More of this Ife!!!

    • iAmNotAPerv
      October 19, 12:25 Reply

      thanks Kenny. I guarantee that you will see more. That was the idea. You KDians tend to be very picky when it comes to any thing written by women which is why i wanted you to get into it before finding out that i am female

  3. Whitney
    October 19, 07:29 Reply

    I have seen the man in you. It’s bad you’re dick is missing (no shading).

    • iAmNotAPerv
      October 19, 12:26 Reply

      that’s alright, I like myself without that particular organ lol

  4. MagDiva
    October 19, 07:41 Reply

    Like you totally had me. Thot it was a dude. Lol

    Well done pervy, looooove it!!!!

    • Peak
      October 19, 07:55 Reply

      Same here. I resisted the urge to scroll down to see the writer. Even after seeing this “She didn’t withdraw even though she knew that I was bisexual and that all that touching from me wasn’t mere friendly “girls” play.” I wasn’t entirely convinced cos the tone of her writing is very strong and masculine.

      • iAmNotAPerv
        October 19, 12:28 Reply

        Thank you for resisting the urge, i am glad that i confused you guys.

  5. Peak
    October 19, 07:49 Reply

    Okay this is Amazzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzziiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnnnnnggggg!
    Oshe IAmNotAPerv. You forgot to add freer of the breasties and unlocker of the pussy Lol.

    Abeg we want the rest o. A La “How to ride a Kaddy”

    You should write more, this was thoroughly enjoyed.

    • Pink Panther
      October 19, 08:02 Reply

      ???? @ ‘how to ride a Kaddy’. Such riding. Shey na cadillac?

    • iAmNotAPerv
      October 19, 12:30 Reply

      It’s true o! Don’t worry in the next episode, i’ll mention.

      LMAO! be patient my student, thou shall learn how to ride a Kaddy.

      Thank you Peak

  6. Bain
    October 19, 08:37 Reply

    goodluck in your endeavours….

  7. ambivalentone
    October 19, 08:44 Reply

    Uhm eskiss ma??This four-phase conversion therapy, does this work on guys also? *furiously takes notes*

    • Francis
      October 19, 10:23 Reply

      ??????? Looks like something that will definitely work on guys too.

      iAmNotAPerv ???????? You weigh bad!

    • iAmNotAPerv
      October 19, 12:32 Reply

      It does o. Write slowly lol don’t break your pencil

      • ambivalentone
        October 19, 19:30 Reply

        Please lemme ask o. My mentor in ‘making the hetero-guy amenable’ always preaches aggressive evangelism and instant results…they are not fool proof though and this looks nicer

        • iAmNotAPerv
          October 19, 19:37 Reply

          Ah aggressive marketing is a no no oh! They will na mark your face and say stupid things like this one can rape someborri
          this is nicer. all you need to do is tap into your inner Yoruba demon. May the force be with you

  8. Tee
    October 19, 11:41 Reply

    Oh wow iAmNotAPerv just wawu,this right here is the definition of Amazing Piece,Plss can i be your friend and enroll in your P Setting classes?jo mo be be.

    • iAmNotAPerv
      October 19, 12:35 Reply

      Feel free to enroll for the class. Just enter your name, phone number, account number, atm pin, picture, Age and gender 😀

      I would love to be your friend!

      • Tee
        October 19, 16:10 Reply

        Lmao!!!!Atm pin bawo,kuku ma ask for my life ni gba yen…..

        Aww you are so you sweet…

        Aunty Pinky oya send me iAmNotAPerv details.

  9. Tee
    October 19, 11:42 Reply

    Oh wow iAmNotAPerv just wawu,this right here is the definition of Amazing Piece,Plss can i be your friend and enroll in your P Setting classes?jo mo be be….

  10. Sinnex
    October 19, 12:50 Reply

    This is something to look forward to. Nice one.

    • iAmNotAPerv
      October 19, 17:10 Reply

      *resists the urge to fangirl* Sinnex likes it! *blushes all the way to heaven* THANK YOU SO MUCH.
      you are one of my top ten KDians 😀

  11. z
    October 19, 13:25 Reply

    wow, I like this!

    • iAmNotAPerv
      October 19, 18:07 Reply

      Thank you! All these positive feedback. *sprays dollars all over KDians*

  12. swanky
    October 19, 14:21 Reply

    Lovely. Captivating ,from the very first sentence. I was just chuckling /giggling all through to the last words “iamnotaperv”
    Very interesting n ummmm educating…
    And niw you’re My Man Crush Wednesday.

      • swanky
        October 19, 19:48 Reply

        Are you for real!!!
        Woman Crush it is then.
        Wow, still baffled.

        • iAmNotAPerv
          October 19, 19:54 Reply

          Female all the way, my dear Swanky.
          I am pleased to be your Woman Crush.
          Lol it seems like i need to examine the way i write. You should check out my poem ‘My Lover’ if you are still in doubt 😀

          • swanky
            October 19, 21:34 Reply

            I’ll do just that.
            Anything for you

  13. Chandler B.
    October 19, 16:42 Reply

    Hilarious piece, IamNotAPerv. Beautifully written.
    I was also confused about the gender of the writer.

    Uhmmmm…, I already know how to seduce: prepare baits, drop them and reel in.
    But you can teach me how to play chess. I feel like it’d improve my ‘people skills’.

    • iAmNotAPerv
      October 19, 18:13 Reply

      Thank you Chandler B *dies one more time*
      i am female all the way, i assure you.
      I would love to teach you how to play chess. i have been plying since i was five. 😀

      • Chandler B.
        October 20, 12:43 Reply

        Someday I’d learn at your table. Sooner than later, I hope. Take care.

  14. esv.jay
    October 19, 18:01 Reply

    best article I have read here! kudos! I went from yawning while reading that other guy’s borefest he called rants to smiling while reading the whole of this article. I love love this article!!! please keep it coming!

    • iAmNotAPerv
      October 19, 18:22 Reply

      Wow, that’s a mighty compliment. thank you even though i disagree. this is certainly not the best on here, not even top ten lol
      i assure you, you’ll get more of this so much that you’ll get tired sef.

      You don’t like The Rantings of A Gay Nigerian?! *mixes rat poison with hypo and watermelon juice. Enters uber to third mainland bridge, sits on the bridge and sips the drink while enjoying the sunset and then jumps into the dirty water* how come?!

      😀 thanks for your comment lol, i tend to be dramatic

      • swanky
        October 19, 19:52 Reply

        Overly and obviously. But I still like you that way.

  15. Kainene
    October 19, 20:55 Reply

    this is beautifulllll bae bae!!!! had my eyes glued tot he screen till the verrrrry last word. well done!

    • iAmNotAPerv
      October 20, 10:39 Reply

      Kaniene! Heyyyy! Thanks b. i am loving your series but fam, i got chills reading the second episode. i can only imagine if i were there *shudders*
      i can’t wait for the next update btw i love your name, reminds me of my crush from Half of A Yellow Sun.

      Thank you for reading

    October 19, 23:11 Reply

    Beautifully written. Well done female version of me.

    • iAmNotAPerv
      October 20, 10:41 Reply

      i have a male version of me?! how cool is that? Lol
      thanks for reading 😀

    • iAmNotAPerv
      October 20, 11:27 Reply

      i love that you love it. please stick around for more 😀

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