The One That’s About To Get Away

The One That’s About To Get Away

Funsho came into my life in a couple of tweets I saw awhile ago that detailed how he went all the way to his mother’s place after closing late from work to give her her gift, seeing as that day was her birthday. I wasn’t following this account; the tweets were retweeted unto my timeline, and I found myself thinking about how thoughtful and sweet it was of this young man to do what he did for his mother. I was drawn to his sensitivity and was soon clicking his profile open. It was as though the angels were in my corner when I saw that he had an open DM, and so I didn’t waste time sliding in. I didn’t really expect much to come out of my communication with him seeing as the chats I have of twitter don’t necessarily lead to something serious.

I waited for a reply for days, and after a week of no response, I shrugged off my disappointment, deleted the message I sent and moved on.

A month later, he replied. He apologized for not responding sooner because he was only just seeing my message. I graciously accepted his apology and before long, we were hitting it off. By the end of our chat, we were exchanging phone numbers, which led to an immediate phone conversation. That day was Friday and during the phone call, Funsho intimated that he wanted us to meet the next day, Saturday.

However, I was out of town to be back on Sunday. He asked me to come over straight to his house upon my return before going on home. And my instinctive thought to this was: What if this guy is kito? I had a series of quick petrifying thoughts of getting myself into a kito situation that will end up with y face getting splashed all over blogs and the social media and me bringing shame to my family. I rejected the thoughts right away and gave him an excuse as to why I couldn’t come to his place on my way back home. I eventually came clean during the course of our chat on the real reason for my reservation and he acted very displeased that I’d think such of him. I apologized and we got past that.

Our chats that followed thereafter began to get very intense, with more “getting to know you” sharing and frequent nonstop chatversations. Eventually, we agreed to meet during a public holiday. We fixed our date to be at an eatery, only for him to notify me that day that he wouldn’t be able to make it to the eatery because he too tired to step out and that I should please come by his place instead. Upon reading this, that kito bell rang again in my head and I called a friend to explain my predicament. He encourage me to go, with the two of us coming up with a plan on how to minimize my exposure in the event Funsho turned out to be kito.

And so, I went on to see Funsho and the meeting turned out well. No actually, it was bliss! We talked and talked and laughed and laughed, and eventually made out heavily as an end to our date. As we strained against each other, lips locked and hands grasping, I was thinking: Yes! I’ve finally found my oasis! I hadn’t expected to have this small piece of happiness fall into y lap, and now it was here, I was very ready to bask in the euphoria of potentially being someone’s lover…Funsho’s lover.

There was however no sex between us that first date. And therein lies my problem – sex.

During our prior chats, I’d told Funsho that I have a problem with penetrative sex. It borders on a phobia. It’s not a sexual act I have tried before and it’s not something I’m ever looking forward to. And in a community that is as sex-centric as the gay community, this has proven quite problematic for me. I’ve had brief sexcapades with guys in the past who, when I turned off from the possibility of anal sex with them, queried me as to whether I actually like guys. And I do. I love guys. I am gay. I however believe that relationships should go beyond sex.

When I conveyed my concerns to Funsho in our chats prior to our meet, his response was that he loved sex, that sex to him is the icing on top of everything intimate. Realizing that we had come to an impasse, I thought things would end between us then and that he would move on from me. But he didn’t. His interest in me was still keen, something he admitted he couldn’t explain seeing as my admission about sex was enough reason to turn him off.

For two months after our first date, we stayed loving each other. It was two months of chatting and sexting and lots of making out. And then the months passed and everything started falling apart. Funsho wanted sex and I couldn’t give it to him. He said that he making love to me was a determining factor for us moving on to the next phase of whatever we intended to have together.

And my heart broke to bits when I saw myself at this juncture. I’d totally fallen for a man who wanted something I couldn’t give for us to have something I wanted.

Ever since we had that crucial conversation, I’ve been thinking on what to do, trying to figure out how we can make our sex life work and be fun without it being penetrative. But Funsho maintains his objection to whatever I come up with, saying that no matter what we do to get off, he’d always want to have anal sex with me.

So I’m here thinking maybe we were never meant to be. Or maybe I’m just overthinking sex and my phobia for it. Or maybe… I don’t even know what to think anymore.

I want this guy. I don’t want to lose him. I think sex is too little an issue to be the reason for us to end everything we’ve created between us in the time we’ve known each other. But then, I find myself thinking that if I take any step to compromise myself for his pleasure, what would be the guarantee of a happily-ever-after with him, and so maybe I should just let go. It’s been a constant seesaw of emotions and thinking for me.

If you’re reading this, I need help, advice, suggestions – anything to help me decide what to do.

Written by Mash

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  1. X
    November 05, 07:12 Reply

    Hello Mash. Here’s my take –

    Sex is a very important element in a relationship and very key in a man to man relationship. I have always believed that a healthy relationship should be give and take (50/50 – If you know what I mean). You must be ready to give certain things and feel free to request too, however, at the end of the day there must be some good compromise that both of you are cool with.

    From your write up, it’s obvious he likes anal sex which isn’t bad and if you can’t give it to him, he will be forced to get it elsewhere. Now, will you be fine, knowing your lover is getting sexual pleasure from another fellow? Well, if you accept an ‘Open Relationship’ you might discuss that option with him. If not, I advise you to either take little steps towards having good and adventurous sex and if you can’t accept that, you’re both better off as good platonic friends.

    Come to think of it, there is much more to our associations than just sex.

  2. Wytem
    November 05, 07:21 Reply

    Dear Mash,
    I think you should just let him leave. Don’t have penetrative sex unless you really want to. Don’t do it for the pleasure of another. At the risk of being a pessimist, chances are that he will still leave when he is sated with sex with you.

  3. beejay
    November 05, 07:32 Reply

    I honestly believe that sex is overrated. Regardless, I respect that different things rock different boats. Point here is that you don’t have to be interested in the same things as your partner in order for your relationship to work. When it’s real, and I mean really real, those differences stop to matter. Do not, I repeat, do not let fear of rejection or loneliness or a broken heart or whatever else noose of fear might be tied around your neck force you into being anything less than true to yourself. Be grateful for what you’ve had, but also know when to pack up and move on. In the end, all you’d be left with is the knowledge that you were tested and you remained loyal to yourself.

  4. Alex
    November 05, 07:58 Reply

    Dear brother,
    You need to overcome your fear because it is barrier between you and Every thing else you want to see.

    Look at it this way; imagine someone whose dream was to see the world and it a many culture and places but couldn’t do it just because he has phobia for planes. Don’t you feel sorry for him? Imagine this same person having kids whose mates have been all over the world but just because their dad is scared of planes he refuses them travelling even though he can comfortably afford it. I guess you’ll surely call him ” selfish” right ?

    There is no difference between what’s going on with you and this man in my story.

    Fear is a thief. It will steal your joy, peace and mind.

    I agree with funsho on sex beign the icing on the cake. And I’ll take it further…sex is an interpretation of “oneness” (two bodies becoming one). That is the height of intimacy.

    There are many techniques to anal sex. Learn the skill and ask him to go easy on you. Also feel free to “do him too”.

  5. trystham
    November 05, 08:08 Reply

    And what happens after u have sex, knowing u don’t like sex and he is ‘oversexed’? Guy, I can’t say I understand the no-sex issue in a relationship, but I really believe u shud start making plans to walk

  6. Rapum
    November 05, 08:18 Reply

    “A community that is sex centric”. ? “Something as little as sex” ?. I empathize with you but please our community is not any more ‘sex-centric’ than the next. Also: SEX MATTERS. But then sex can be enjoyed in many ways without penetration, even though I must tell you, if we don’t fuck-fuck, I might get frustrated eventually. I think you should try it out with the guy, after all in a relationship we try out new things. I would say, the other guy should compromise, but who am I kidding? Penetrative sex is a big deal for most people, myself included. Maybe his compromise should come in how frequently penetrative sex happens. If he really cares, he should be willing to do other stuff while keeping the penetration for Special Days?.

    • Rapum
      November 05, 08:28 Reply

      Also, a guy who cares about you shouldn’t pressure you so much Na. He’d let you know what you want but would be patient, attentive, gradually nudge you towards that area but no matter what, would let you come into the whole stuff when you’re ready.

  7. KingB
    November 05, 08:56 Reply

    I thought I was alone on this penetrative sex ish. I’m gay! Yes I know but my idea of sex is lots of kissing, cuddling,amazing heads, rimming and having my guy chew my nipples like its his favourite candy. I’m just not into the dick in the ass thingy. My dear mash, if u don’t feel like doing it then I’ll suggest u don’t.I know u like him a lot and are probably scared of being lonely but don’t worth u meet someone else, someday. I’ve personally not been in a relationship even though I’m 23, but I’ve got faith I’ll meet the one someday.

    • Real
      November 05, 18:08 Reply

      now I know I’m not alone. the thought of penetrative sex scares me.

    • Baddest
      November 05, 21:22 Reply

      I don’t see myself fucking a guy or a guy fucking me,we can do any other things,been doing stuffs with guys for decades now.some body contacts and blow jobs from someone I really like is ok for me.. I used to look for someone to fall in love with but I just don’t care anymore…

    • Stretch
      November 08, 15:45 Reply

      Finally, i thought I was alone in this “side” ordeal. Thankfully there r pple too who r not into penetrative sex. On a lighter note we should start a support group.

  8. Francis
    November 05, 11:13 Reply

    If you’re no sexually compatible and can’t compromise, just end it one time and remain friends. Sex might look like a non-issue to some but it’s very important. Na so person go begin look outside the relationship for am.

    If I were in your shoes, I’d most probably try it once and if it still doesn’t work, I count my loss and waka. Maybe you should put #NoAnal for your SM profiles so as to avoid these kain heartbreaks

  9. quinn
    November 05, 13:01 Reply

    Go ahead, compromise, take that leap!

  10. Black Dynasty
    November 05, 13:20 Reply

    Hmm, in a relationship it is true you need to compromise…. however this doesn’t mean you need to go against your beliefs and convictions.

    If anal sex is not for you and he is insistent on this, it’s time to call it quits unfortunately. There are some fundamentals which you shouldn’t compromise on because you will regret it if you do.

  11. Canis VY Majoris
    November 05, 13:55 Reply

    Get over your phobia, I don’t think it’s enough reason to lose out on a potential soul mate. This is a limitation, YOUR limitation and limitations keep you from achieving or receiving great things.

    It may not be for him, but then whoever knows this things. I bet if you look back at this time you’d regret letting him go more than having anal sex. And it’ll hurt so badly you’d wanna die.

    Choose your regret wisely.

  12. Cleopatro
    November 05, 14:06 Reply

    so me. I tell myself that if I must have sex with someone then he must be able to take me out of my mind in that moment and so if he can do this for you, then go for it.

  13. Gaia
    November 05, 15:29 Reply

    Oga sir…
    My take is that you actually can’t be gay all your life without sex. I’m not saying its not possible rather you’d just keep finding yourself in situations like this. sweetheart… sex is a beautiful thing i really think you should explore but trust me, it isn’t a guaranteed that this your relationship would work because i was really dissappointed when your guy said that would be the tickeck to the next level.

    So my advice is, do it because it is something you want to try and see how it goes and not because you needed validation for your relationship.

  14. Ringlana
    November 05, 15:52 Reply

    Dear, some say sex is the essential tools in a relationship, biko if you are not ready, just tell him ,ohh please I suggest you suggest to him Open relationship, he can get the smashing outside why you do your thing,
    How sure are you,that his yours?
    The day is till young.?

  15. Butch
    November 05, 19:27 Reply

    My boyfriend was only a top after 3 years he finally
    Trusted me to to top him .i took plenty of time and plenty of lube …his body went so stiff i kept telling him to relax and trust me he finally did as i enter slow he was so tight but so wonderful. He was so happy it happened it was so arousing
    I ask him do you want me to cum in you he beg me i blew to i last a few minutes .now he wants it all the time. He loves me fingering his ass .our sex life is so good. .

  16. LOML
    November 05, 20:17 Reply

    So I’m exactly in this same predicament with my BF.. I love sex alot.. It’s a beautiful thing and I’ve also had a lot of sex probably to last a lifetime to know that sex isn’t everything.. Loving someone has absolutely nothing to do with sexual intercourse.. But it’s still very important I must say.. the passion, that feeling of being inside of somebody you actually love is everything.. I actually hate having sex with guys I don’t have feelings for.. I feel useless.. LOL. So first time my BF told me he doesn’t want to have sex or isn’t sure he’ll ever want to.. I almost wanted to end it right there and then.. I mean I can stay long periods without sex.. But the thought of not having sex forever.. Damn! That’s hard!! Nobody should even expect that from anyone.. Advice is that you both have to meet each other halfway.. Otherwise one of you is being selfish.. I never and will ever pester my BF for sex.. He has even brought up the idea of open relationship.. But I don’t see myself having sex with any other guy.. I don’t even want to.. He came around on his own one time and insisted we tried.. Sadly that was an epic fail tho.. But the effort he showed was a huge turn on for me.. Like freaking sexy!.. Loved him even more for it.. *lowkey I want him to still put in more effort, funny enough I know he’s also lowkey doing this, cos he has been trying kinky stuffs with himself lately, lol*.. Our relationship is just over 2 months now and I don’t know how long we would go without sex.. But I know I Love him enough to compromise my sexual needs.. I can’t not be with him just because of sex.. NO! But I expect him to at least try as well.. So compromise my dear.. Sex is a learned activity.. It’s something you would come to love and crave for.. Relationships are all about compromise in all aspects of life TBH not just sex.. you can’t be stuck in your own ways, ideas and comfort zones.. Otherwise you would never be with anybody.. Always try to strike a balance

  17. Andy
    November 06, 06:19 Reply

    My point of view on this subject is that sex is something you learn by experience.. And we all have different capacity to learning.. No queer person was born with a dick up their ass.. Whenever I hear of gay people hating peneration I find it funny.. Truth is every gay person struggles with gay sex and their sexuality at some point in their lives.. Many of us never stop struggling.. But we think we do.. But you just have to get over it eventually, otherwise you’ll just be sad for the rest of your life. You have to ask yourself why you really hate peneration in first place.. Is it the pain, the thought in your head that it’s very messy and disgusting, religious belief or you don’t want to feel less of a man or vulnerable.. Sexual experiences with some people are horrible because they are either selfish during sex or bad at it.. While some people are so good at it that they even put their partner’s pleasure way above theirs during sex.. Sex is a skill.. Learn it.. If you choose not to as well that’s okay.. It’s not a must.. Silly enough most people who claim not to like penetration still finger themselves when they wank privately.. So?

  18. Os
    November 06, 19:54 Reply

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  19. Jide
    November 07, 11:36 Reply

    My own question is where you people are seeing these boyfriends? I want one too oh.

    • Mash
      November 07, 20:59 Reply

      To be honest I use to think like this before so I can relate with this question.

      Truth is boyfriends are everywhere just be open and actually ready to have something real and serious before you open your eyes and close it, you have a boyfriend already.?

    • Cymur
      November 24, 00:35 Reply

      Honestly! Like seriously where do they find these boyfriends? They make it look as if it is so easy! I really need help in that department because I can’t find these bfs oh.

  20. Mash
    November 07, 21:02 Reply

    Thanks Guys I do appreciate!

    All comments and suggestions given are taken.


  21. Pankar
    November 10, 04:21 Reply

    Don’t do what you don’t want to do.

  22. ChubKing
    October 15, 03:44 Reply

    If you don’t wanna give in then walk away, you can’t eat your cake and have it.
    Don’t let it look like he is pressuring you when you knew all the while that he loves sex.
    If you trust him enough to try then try but if you can’t get yourself to do it then stop wasting his time.

    He is already frustrated!

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