My cousin texted me on WhatsApp. The text had pictures of a good-looking man. My cousin wanted to know if I knew him. He was home for the Christmas holiday and had matched with the guy on Tinder.

“His name is Ben,” my cousin said.

I didn’t know him. But I told my cousin I’d ask a few friends. By the third ask, I found someone who knew him.

“He’s legit,” my friend said to me. “He’s married too. So you’ll be the one to host because he doesn’t bring any hookups to his house.”

I nodded in acquiescence and forwarded the feedback to my cousin. He was appreciative of it. But I had more on my mind.

“Is this thing with this guy something you’re interested in making serious?” I asked him.

“No,” he replied. “Just a holiday hookup. I don’t live here na. And I’m not looking for a commitment to a long distance relationship.”

“Good,” I enthused. “So when you’ve had your fun with him, could you link me up with him?”

“For sure,” my cousin agreed with some laugh emojis.

It would be about two weeks later, when we were now in January 2023, and my cousin had returned to base, that I would remember the proposed hookup with Ben.

I texted him and he apologized.

“I kinda forgot,” he said. “Mainly because I didn’t even get to see him eventually. I was too busy during the holiday. And whenever I had time, he either wasn’t available himself or we couldn’t figure out where to meet for the hookup. At a point, I just stopped trying. But don’t worry, I’ll text him now to tell him about you.”

A few more days passed, and my cousin complained about how it seemed Ben was ghosting him, because he wasn’t responding to his texts. Or perhaps he was too busy, my cousin reasoned. I wondered if the man was acting so churlishly over the fact that he and my cousin never got to meet. So, I told him to give me the guy’s number.

“I’ll just text him myself, and then I’ll tell him you gave me his number when he responds.”

“Very well the.” And he forwarded me the new contact information.

I sent a Hello and an introduction of myself to Ben. A few minutes later, he texted back.

“Hello. Good evening.”

So much for being too busy to respond to my cousin’s texts.

I told him that my cousin had given me his number and that I hoped we could get together sometime. He asked me for a picture. I sent him one which I snapped with my cousin two Christmases ago. Just like that, we began chatting. He seemed like a nice guy and showed as much interest in seeing as I had in him.

“Do you stay alone?” he asked.

“Well, yeah,” I answered. I neglected to say that I stayed with a cousin – another cousin of mine – because it was a non-issue. This cousin – heterosexual as he is – minds his business as much as I mind mine. He has his room and I have mine. But I’m also pretty sure he has figured out that I am homosexual, because not only do I never have female visitors over, but he follows me on Facebook, where I am pretty open about my sexuality. But I didn’t bring up our shared accommodation because I didn’t want to spook Ben. Many a hookup I’d invited to my place would hear that I have a heterosexual flat-mate, and it wouldn’t matter what I said; they’d insist on us meeting elsewhere.

My chats with Ben were off and on for the next few days. The urgency with which I’d wanted to get acquainted with him had taken a backseat to the intensity of the January work mode. I didn’t push for us to set up a date, preferring instead for the ball to be in his court.

Then one Sunday evening, he texted, “Are you at home?”

“Yes,” I said.

“I want to come over. But I am with a friend. Can I come over with my friend?”

“Oh.” I was a bit flustered. Entertaining a social call was the furthest thing from my mind. That Sunday had been a lazy one for me. I hadn’t even bathed; I’d been in bed all day, bingeing on House of the Dragon, and only getting up to get something to eat. I wasn’t even sure I had the energy for sex.

But I found myself replying, “That’s okay. I’ll be here. Where are you?”

“On my way to your side now. Can I have your address?”


I quickly typed the directions to my area to him, instructing him to just stop at my junction, where I’d be waiting to meet him. Then I dropped my phone and fled into the bathroom. I washed up in record time, threw on a T-shirt and shorts, straightened my bed, and then headed out to hopefully not wait too long for him at the junction.

No such luck!

I waited for nearly an hour at the junction. I didn’t even realize that much time had passed, because I went to wait at a carpentry shop at the junction and got chatting with the head carpenter on my need for a bookshelf. Time flew by, and when I checked my phone and saw 18:51, I realized that I’d been waiting for 45 minutes for this guy who told me earlier that he was on his way.

I hadn’t even wanted to see anyone, I fumed. This nigga dragged me out of bed and away from the bloody shenanigans of the Targaryens – just to keep me waiting for an hour!

I called him. Immediately he answered, he was apologizing. That he’d stopped by a supermarket to buy some things which he’d sent back home through the house help. That he was for sure now headed my way. I told him I’d remain here until 7 PM, and then I’d go home and he’ll have to find his way to my house. He assured me that he’d be at the junction before 7.

And he was. At 18:57, I spotted him alighting from a keke that had pulled up on the other side of the road. Crossing the road with him to meet me was another guy that looked younger than him. They came up to me and we exchanged pleasantries. He introduced the other guy to me, and I promptly forgot his name. I didn’t even pay much attention to him; to me, he was the friend who’d be waiting in the parlour while Ben and I fucked in my room.

He didn’t talk much, as Ben and I chatted on the way to my house. Ben looked exactly like he was in his pictures – dark-skinned, with a bald head and attractive small features. He was also tall, a few inches taller than me, with a small, barely-noticeable paunch on his midsection. He was genial too, a talker, and when he revealed that he was a small-time politician, his charming talkativeness made sense.

Then we got to my house. Darkness had fallen at this time, and they’d taken the light at some point while I was away. So the living room was lit up by the lights from our phones. Ben and I conversed some more, while his friend sat there, still saying nothing.

Then Ben asked if we could talk privately. I took that to mean his suggestion for us to retire inside and fuck.

About time!

I led him inside my room. The moment I shut the door, I turned to him and pulled him close for a kiss. Our lips connected for about two seconds, and he was pulling back.

“What about my friend?” he said in a low tone.

“What about him?” I was both confused by the question and irritated that he’d cut short a kiss that’d barely started to ask me this.

“He’s just going to be there alone na.”

“Okay… So…”

“Well, he should be a part of our fun na…”

The first lightning bolt hit me. That guy wasn’t just a friend he asked to accompany him to see me. He was here for a threesome!

“Wait, are you kidding me?” I stared disbelievingly at him.

“No, I’m serious. It won’t make sense for us to leave him there and be fucking here. He should join us –”

“You didn’t tell me this was what you had in mind,” I cut across his words with some annoyance.

“I said it in my text to you na.”

“No, you didn’t.”

“I did. I told you I had a friend I wanted to come over with –”

“That’s it? I’m supposed to understand from that, that you want us to have a threesome?” My rising annoyance had sharpened the tone of my voice.

He noticed and instantly backpedalled. “Okay, you’re right. I’m sorry I didn’t spell it out. I thought you would get it.”

“Why would you think I’d get it?” I wasn’t mollified. “I don’t even know you. How would I get what you’re talking about? And this is the first time I’m meeting you. Yet somehow, you felt comfortable to spring a threesome on me?!”

“I’m sorry, okay? I’m sorry.” He took my hands in his and began placatingly, “But we are here now. Let’s just have fun, okay? You and I will still get other times to have our own fun. I promise. We can fuck anytime we want. But for tonight, let’s just do this.”

I didn’t want this. I really, really didn’t want this. For one, I don’t like threesomes or foursomes or any other-somes that isn’t just two people having sex. Secondly, even though I’d had a threesome a couple of times in the past, it was with two guys I was already familiar with. I resent the idea of getting naked for someone I haven’t even so much as had a casual conversation with.

And I said as much to Ben. But he kept on pleading his case. When he saw that I couldn’t get over my reservations, he suggested a compromise.

“Okay, how about you and I start, then after a few minutes, I’ll text him to come and join us. That way, you’re already naked and comfortable with me, and it won’t matter when he joins us.”

That seemed fair. I was still hesitant, but he was wearing me down with his pleas. So I reluctantly said okay. Beaming, he gave me a quick peck on the lips, and then went out to speak to his friend. I stood there in my bedroom, already regretting this whole situation. I just wanted to get back to my laptop, to the Targaryens, and not have to deal with this stress.

Moments later, Ben returned with a request.

“My friend wants to make use of the toilet.”

“Oh, there’s one just next to the parlour there,” I said.

“What about water? He wants some water.”

“No need,” I said. “The toilet flushes.”

“No, he needs, like, a bucket of water.”

Confusion set in. “Why would he… I’m telling you, he can just flush when he’s done.”

“You don’t understand, he needs a bucket of water.”

So maybe he doesn’t want to pee? I thought, trying to understand why a bucket of water was necessary for this situation. Maybe he wants to poo? And he’s one of those who prefer washing their ass to using a toilet paper?

I shrugged and went into my adjoining bathroom to fetch a bucket of water. I handed it to Ben and he asked, “What about a bowl that he can use to scoop the water?”

That was when the second bolt of lightning hit me.

His friend was a Bottom!

All this time, I’d been resistant to the idea of a threesome because I thought Ben had brought someone else who he could fuck me with. I hadn’t wanted to get naked for another dick.

And all this time, I was wrong.

His friend was a Bottom.

I should have known! The way Ben kept begging and begging… No Top would beg that much to share the ass he wants to fuck with another guy. This jackass had begged that much because he wanted to fuck two Bottoms!

I wasn’t sure how to feel about all this, but I certainly wanted to be part of the threesome even less now. The awkwardness of having to endure the touch of Ben’s friend when I thought he was Top had doubled into the awkwardness of having to share Ben with a stranger who’s Bottom. Even as I handed Ben the wash bowl he asked for and he left to settle his friend, I was back to feeling averse to the situation.

Ben came back to the bedroom and started pulling off his clothes. I stood in one corner, watching him, feeling not even a flicker of desire at the sight of him naked.

He spread himself out on my bed, his semi-hard penis nodding its way slowly to turgidity. Then he gave me a look and did a little thrusting move with his hips. He was ready. Come suck this dick, he seemed to be saying.

I stared at him. So that’s it? We are just going straight to me sucking your dick. You’re not even going to try and seduce me into wanting this thing you want. No foreplay. No steamy kisses to make me less aware of how unpalatable this all is to me?

Just… suck your dick.

I started shaking my head at him. “No…”

“What’s that?”

“I really don’t want to do this. I’m not interested.”

“But I told you –”

“I know what you told me, and I’m still not interested. But hey, I won’t stop you if you still want to fuck. It just won’t be me. I can go tell your friend to come here right away and you two can catch your fun.”

“Please, don’t be like this –”

“No, seriously, I don’t feel like having sex anymore. Just wait…”

I left the room for the parlour. It was empty, but I could hear splashing sounds coming from the adjoining toilet as Ben’s friend no doubt went about douching himself. His jeans, boxers and shirt were strewn all over the floor of the living room. I stared at the mess with irritation; was that how much in a hurry he was to get ready for Ben’s dick?

I picked his clothes up and deposited them on a sofa.

“Hello!” I called out.

“Yes?” he responded from inside the toilet.

“When you finish, just come straight to the room. No need to wait.”


I returned to the bedroom. Ben had started with his pleas again, when I heard my name. He stopped. My name was called out again.


Relief flooded through me as I realized that my cousin was back, and was calling me to let him in.

“Who is that?” Ben asked sharply.

“That’s my cousin.”

“You said you live alone,” he said accusingly.

“I lied. See how it feels to have unwelcome news sprung on you?” I retorted.

“So what’s going to happen now?”

“You people will have to go. Nothing can happen now that my cousin is home.”

Of course that was a lie. I’d hooked up plenty times with my cousin in the next room. But Ben didn’t need to know that. I just wanted them gone.

He didn’t look happy. I couldn’t care less. I left him scrambling to put his clothes back on to the parlour where I quickly updated the friend on the change in plans. Then I went to open the door for my cousin. He came in just as Ben was entering the living room, fully dressed. Both men exchanged stoic nods and mumbled greetings, as my cousin walked past him, headed for his bedroom. Ben’s friend emerged, also dressed. A brief moment passed, during which the three of us stood there, undoubtedly thinking the same thing: Well, this was not how this evening was supposed to go.

Then the moment passed, and we were all moving for the exit, both of them to head home and me to accompany them to the junction. There wasn’t much to talk about on the walk back to the main road, beyond Ben’s disgruntled mutterings about how I should have told him I had a flat-mate. I didn’t bother to respond.

After they got on a taxi and I was walking back home, I took out my phone and called my cousin – you know, the one who was the origin of this bad market. He didn’t answer. So I texted him on WhatsApp.

“Hey! What’s up? How you doing?”

Seconds later, he replied. “I’m alright. Just really knackered from my day. I missed your call. Sorry, I’m just getting home from work.”

“Eiyaa. Pele. I called to gossip. But if you’re tired…”

He called back immediately.

“Gist me! Tell me everything!”

The tatafo was suddenly no longer tired. Lol!

“It’s about your Ben.”

“Oh gawd, he has fucked up, hasn’t he?”

I laughed and dived into my gist. When I got to the part where Ben asked me if he could come over with a friend, my cousin surprised me by asking, “He wanted a threesome, didn’t he?”

“How did you know?”

“Because he tried the same shit with me. At least, in my case, he was up front with it. We hadn’t even met and he was already proposing for us to have a threesome as our first hookup.”

“And what did you say?”

“I shut him down at once. I’m sorry, but the only threesomes I allow are the ones where I’m the center of attraction. Can’t be dragging preeq with another sista that I don’t even know.”

I laughed heartily at that. “So when he failed with you, he decided to try his luck when I came along, and instead of taking the risk of telling me and getting rejected again, he decided to sneak the threesome up on me?” I was outraged.

My cousin chuckled. “Seems like it.”

We carried on with our banter, about how men are scum, how disrespectful it is to bring a Bottom to a threesome with another Bottom, and how those who “don’t kiss, don’t suck, just fuck” are even lower scum. By the time I got back home, I was laughing boisterously and no longer feeling sour about what a bad evening I’d had.

Written by Zebedee

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  1. Mufasa
    February 07, 11:35 Reply

    What is disrespectful about having multiple (more than 1) bottom in a 3some?
    I fully understand the brouhaha over not being informed prior to the 3some, I’ll definitely have felt the same way.
    However, the thought process (or the big deal) over the multiple bottom situation beats me.

    • Mufasa
      February 07, 11:43 Reply

      Also, this whole top/bottom thing is just tiresome now … Do you want to get fucked into oblivion (get a monster dildo), get a trainload of men to work your insides out… Do you want to do the fucking (get a fucking fleshlight), have an orgy, share a fucking huge dildo with room of people. get you that community dick/cochie and ride to oblivion. Just have fun. And if Vanilla is your thing, that is cute and lovely flavour as well.

    • Obi4wire
      February 08, 06:05 Reply

      Thank you very much……to me I feel he’s too dramatic and slow in thinking. I mean
      He only told you he’s coming with a friend to your house….you agreed. You calm not to get the slightest idea that you guys are going to have threesome but your ideas were 100% that the both of you are going to Fvck….how? So the other person would just sit there all with the thoughts of what are they doing inside now.

      • Pink Panther
        February 09, 10:34 Reply

        LOL. Consent must be a foreign concept to people like you. So the writer should agree to something he never bargained for simply because the friend would be left alone in the parlour? LOL. Are you even serious? You call someone who wasn’t given full information about the other guy’s intent “slow thinking”? SMH. Nawa.

  2. Mufasa
    February 07, 11:43 Reply

    Also, this whole top/bottom thing is just tiresome now … Do you want to get fucked into oblivion (get a monster dildo), get a trainload of men to work your insides out… Do you want to do the fucking (get a fucking fleshlight), have an orgy, share a fucking huge dildo with room of people. get you that community dick/cochie and ride to oblivion. Just have fun. And if Vanilla is your thing, that is cute and lovely flavour as well.

    • Delle
      February 26, 13:00 Reply

      I totally agree with this.

      And I also agree with your reservations about his aversion to the multiple bottom situation, it’s just an eyeroll-worthy sentiment to have.

      Just the same way I chatted with one guy yesterday on Grindr who boldly told me that he is a toxic bottom that likes only PURE tops. Dare I say that guys who play bottom have some of the most inane ideas and propagate the most bigotry in this community

      Yes, it makes the whole top, bottom, vers thing a bore.

  3. Lorde
    February 15, 06:04 Reply

    You see men!!!! Scum of the dirt…. Never to be taken seriously or trusted.

  4. Roman Liso
    July 12, 22:48 Reply

    “ Many a hookup I’d invited to my place would hear that I have a heterosexual flat-mate, and it wouldn’t matter what I said; they’d insist on us meeting elsewhere.” they have every right to refuse and you should tell them upfront. I don’t get how you are miffed about consent, but you will comfortably withhold that bit of information.

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