Under Construction: Twenty-Two and Counting

Under Construction: Twenty-Two and Counting

The Multiverse theory posits that there is an infinite number of universes for every choice not made. It’s a bit more complicated than that, but that’s a way to look at it. My point is that somewhere in this sea of universes, there’s a me that’s perfectly happy with the choices he has made so far and the place he’s at. This me probably isn’t him. I wish him all the best though; at least one of us deserves some happiness.

Not that things are terrible or worse than they were seven years ago today when I was being blackmailed, and seeing no way out, I took some pills; or when the trauma resulted in almost repeating SS2; or six years ago, when I got mobbed by some classmates for being a fag and had a front tooth knocked out. No. Things have actually gotten better, relatively. I got out, I made friends, I had sex, I crushed on a thousand people (I’m optimistic that all my crushes will work out, even though they don’t and end up crushing my heart a bit. I’m still optimistic about the next one even though I know it may not work out and will crush my heart some more. I remain optimistic because I don’t want to become a jaded adult like some I’ve met; that scares me. So I continue to be optimistic. Foolishly so), I saw all those crappy DC movies (except The Dark Knight trilogy. TDK rulz!). I lived. I won.

In less than three months, I’ll be done with the university. I’ve come a long way from the shy, fat, stuttering boy that bathed early in the morning and late at night so he would not get boners from looking at all that naked male flesh; from the insecure, socially-inept boy that created personas to enable him function among people. I’ve been so many things in my four years in the university; so many people: the quiet guy in the back of the class that nobody noticed, the class clown that made vulgar jokes so people would notice him, the guy that answered all the questions in class to prove he was better at something than everybody else, the guy that made lewd passes and catcalls at girls and made up stories of steaming heterosexual sexual encounters to fit in with the guys, and then that gay guy.

I’ve struggled with self-esteem issues. I’ve (and still) struggled with depression. I’ve had orgasmic highs and suicidal lows. I’ve felt like the cock of the walk and the spite of nations. Bad boy, sad boy, good boy, gay boy. There have been times when I’ve felt like nothing is going my way, like I don’t matter. Times when I’m literally inches from a handful of pills. But this is not a song of sadness. This is an ode to victory. L’chaim!

Something positive: I met this guy. Now this is probably going to be one of those crushes I’ve had that will end up costing a piece of my heart. Or maybe not. Maybe this is it – the One. That stuff peddled by Harlequin Romance and Disney to hopeless romantics like me. Say, did Disney ever feature a long-distance romance? Here’s an idea for a modern Disney cartoon: intercontinental romance via Whatsapp and Facebook.

What happens now though? What happens next? When this chapter of my life comes to an end; when my mother stops being subtle in her inquiries about my girlfriend and her hints of wanting grandkids; when my desire for happiness clashes with my mother’s emotional manipulations and society’s expectations.

Well here’s a hint at what will happen: I’ve survived worse.

Written by Eggsy

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  1. Dickson Clement
    April 13, 07:16 Reply

    Standing over this side, life is better as an undergraduate…. once u graduate, u’ll assume responsibilities and the struggles to meet up with expectations. There ain’t fairy tales and wonderland… just realities! Harsh realities

  2. Mandy
    April 13, 08:42 Reply

    That is what matters. That you survive one aspect of life after another. Happy for you, Eggsy. Seems as though you’ve led a tough life. Your optimistic outlook in spite of that is commendable.

  3. Delle
    April 13, 08:59 Reply

    Aww Eggsy hunnay!
    Now, we all have come through tough times, harsh trials and bumpy rides but what makes us who we are, what shows our inner strength in the face of all of these is the ability to bounce back no matter how much our backs touch the ground, that’s the spirit you have Eggsy and that’s all that there is. Keep using the bricks thrown at you to build a bridge. XO.

  4. posh6666
    April 13, 11:20 Reply

    When I read about attempted suicide stories I shiver cos I know being gay and nigerian is a terrible combo especially if you are kinda feminine.You go through hell and back most especially at school you get mocked and gossiped about,sometimes behind you,sometimes right in front of you on a very good day when you are in a good mood.

    In my honest opinion feminine guys who choose to stay alive are the strongest of them all .

    Fuuck straight acting guys who whine about not being accepted due to their sexuality you dont know anything about life struggles the real men are feminine guys who stay strong through it all and choose to stay alive.

    • pete
      April 13, 14:33 Reply

      Is it the struggle Olympics?

    • Handle
      April 13, 15:19 Reply

      Oh? As what you would call a “straight acting” gay man with personal struggles, I love bourgeois feminine guys erasing my life struggles.

    • Pink Panther
      April 14, 07:19 Reply

      Fuck straight acting guys? So simply because their struggle is different from that of the effetes, they’re not allowed to be vocal about their pains over their sexuality?

  5. Marc Francis of Chelsea
    April 13, 15:18 Reply

    High school was too real for most of us. The humiliation, the hate. Now most of those losers are messaging me on facebook for handouts. Blocked!

    You will face and get through this next chapter with ease. Work hard and excel.

  6. Frank_Einstein
    April 13, 19:31 Reply

    Sometimes, we may not know it, but we’re stronger than we think. And we’ll get through anything!

  7. Uziel
    April 14, 08:01 Reply

    We Shall See.

    I dare say, you’ll be just fine. You’re already a better you: letting those quirky thoughts always swirl round your head out, for one thing.

    We Shall See.

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