Hello guys. I just want to pour my heart out about stuff I’ve been going through.
First, I struggled with accepting the fact that I’m gay. I am also effeminate and super attracted to guys. Like, I’d see a hot guy and my body would start shaking like I’m having a seizure.
Bottoming has been hard for me, to be honest. I fumbled a lot with my limited knowledge of gay sex when I first started being sexually active. I would go for a hookup and I would make a mess of it. Getting penetrated was stressful. I’m so fucking tight that even the pinky finger can’t enter my ass without me gasping with pain.
I fell in love with a guy and he was so big, like 10 inches or so. The first time we tried to have sex, it was a disaster. I eventually had to jerk him off. He didn’t blame me though, and this made me feel better. After that day, he invited me over to his place to spend the night. We chilled and we both smoked ‘skunk’ and got so fucking high. And lo and behold, we had sex with such ease. I took all of him with absolutely no pain. The kind of joy I felt as I felt his dick pounding inside me, almost as though it could get to my chest and throat, was indescribable. For once, I had a good bottoming experience. Safe to say, I thoroughly enjoyed the sex; it is in fact the best I’ve ever had till date.
We tried to have sex again like two months later, because he was serving in a different state from where I was staying. We met and I didn’t want to get high. We tried. There were lots of lube available. Lots! There was pain but we managed to get through with it. I found some enjoyment in it.
I should point out that all this sex I was having – or trying to have – was raw.
Eventually, we ended things. And I met someone else on twitter. We soon got together and the sex was difficult as usual. The second time we tried to have sex, he ran out of lube and decided to use hair cream. The sensation of his dick inside me was weird and peppery. I told him to stop when I couldn’t take it, and I left his house. My ass was on fire and I was having a hard time pooping, and when I told my friend about it, he told me to clean up properly and then sit on hot water. I was so miserable. 😢😢
A month later, I got a painful bump in my ass. I was confused by it. This was a first for me. I thought it was piles and started taking herbs for it. It didn’t heal. I told my grandmother about it, because I’d once heard her talk about a cousin who had piles and his ass came out because of it. Weird story, I know. So I told her I had piles and she instructed someone to make some herbs for me, plus a cream which she asked me to rub on it. She also told me to stay away from ingesting any sugary stuff, because I am a sweet-tooth.
Two weeks after, and still no change. So then, I told a friend who works at an LGBT clinic, and he invited me over and linked me to a doctor. I was examined and informed that I had warts. Until that day, I’d never heard of the word “warts”. I asked him what that was and he explained it to me. he also told me that before treatment, I’d have to get tested.
I was not worried about my status because I hadn’t been very sexually active. The naïve me thought that a positive HIV status was only guaranteed if you have a lot of sexual partners, and I could count on one hand how many guys I’d been with.
The test came out however and I was positive. I was devastated and I left the hospital immediately, needing time to process the news.
However, I came back the next day to commence treatment. I took my antiretroviral medication, and then I was treated for the warts. It was painful as hell and I was knocked out for several minutes after the session. It didn’t go after that first time. The warts came back and I ended up having four cryotherapy treatments. It was hell!
And in all this time, for over a year, I stayed off sex. I relieved myself by masturbating, and was regularly turning guys down because I just wasn’t ready.
I got undetectable in my first four months after starting my antiretroviral therapy, and my fourth wart treatment went well, better than the other three. But with it, I was wart-free. And with my undetectable HIV status, I was ready to try having sex again.
But I still had a big issue with bottoming. I asked a friend over, and this guy had a really small dick, like 4 inches, and he still couldn’t penetrate me. After him was another guy, and the sex was a mess. We were of course having protected sex, not that the sex part was even happening.
I got a dildo to practise with, and still I couldn’t get it to go inside me. I got poppers, hoping to drug my way through the dildo practice session, and that didn’t work.
I am frustrated as fuck. Like, I am tired! I need a man to fuck me! I need my ass to open up so I can enjoy life! I’m always lying to my friends about hooking up and being a hoe and all that, when I haven’t been getting any action. It’s been nearly two years now and all I have been able to do to get sexual satisfaction is by masturbating.
I AM TIRED!!! 😢😢😢
Dear KDians, please help me! What do I do?! 😢😢😢😢
Submitted by Daniel Rose