FIRST LOVE. LAST LOVE?

FIRST LOVE. LAST LOVE?

I am almost 30 years old this day, and I cannot believe how much he still makes me feel like the love-struck boy he got to know years ago.

Jonathan came into my life years ago when I was 23 years old. I was the head of the teen choir in my church, and as such, I was quite influential. So naturally, I took care of a lot of the members of the choir and church. Back then, the church was always teeming with beautiful young men, but I was very devoted to God and my work, and so all I could do was admire and be as close as I could be in a Christian way of course, and nothing more. It wasn’t easy though; I was always dying inside from desiring and never pursuing.

Then Jonathan and his family joined our church. He and his brother, Ben, joined the teen choir. Ben was 18 and his older brother, Jonathan, was 20. Ben soon grew to like me very much. He simply adored me, and considering how we eventually got to the point where we identified each other as both homosexual, I imagine his gaydar was on-point with me. But we were friends, and it was nice to sort of take him under my wing in a way I couldn’t with the other boys in my care.

I however liked his brother, Jonathan. And during a conversation with Ben one day, I found myself asking him if his brother was “one of us”. Ben shrugged and said he didn’t know, but I should try my luck.

So, of course, I began to befriend Jonathan.

Jonathan was a very beautiful, charming young man. And he knew it too. He knew the effect he had on people who were smitten by him. His smile was very winning and had the power to make you melt. He had this thing where he would hold your cheeks tenderly, drawing a smile from you. Ah! He was handsome, dimples like Davido. And he could sing. He was simply everything I found attractive.

We became close, just as friends, and we would talk about everything, from the things he needed help with to his many girlfriend drama. He told me he was a virgin – like, he trusted me with his fears and insecurities, and that level of trust and respect made me fear that if I made any move toward him, it would come off like I took advantage of him.

So, as much as it crushed me to do so, I maintained a very platonic relationship with him.

And trust me, this was hard. There was a period when there was going to be a concert in the church and he was scheduled to perform. Ahead of the concert, we spent a lot of time together; he’d come to my house to rehearse his number, and it was in those close, intimate moments that my feelings for him grew. I didn’t want to have just sex with him. I wanted everything and more with him. I wanted to love him, to take care of him, to be his everything and more.

I remember him singing that song during the concert. He was visibly nervous as he came into the spotlight before the congregation, until his eyes searched for and found me. Then he began to sing and he maintained the eye contact, looking at me throughout his performance. It was almost like he was singing to me.

He came to me thereafter and hugged me, saying something about how I was his courage. I was so filled with joy and need and love for this boy.

Now remember that we hadn’t established anything regarding our sexuality. I hadn’t talked to him about me being gay. We simply liked each other, and I was willing to carry on like this and demand no definition or anything from my relationship with him. I was afraid if I asked for more, I’d lose him.

However, as the months passed, he sort of guessed that I was gay and I didn’t deny it. I actually admitted to it because hope fluttered inside me with the promise that if I said “Yes, I’m gay”, he’d respond with “Me too”, and we’d kiss and finally embark on the relationship I’d been yearning to have with him all along.

That didn’t happen of course. He simply shrugged it off and said we were still cool.

That was the best reaction any gay man could hope to get from a friend after coming out – and yet, why did I feel so crushed?

Then the day came when we were out taking a walk and gisting. We’d been in each other’s company for about two hours, when I decided to take the plunge. I was going to do something that scared me shitless.

I told Jonathan that I wanted to tell him something. He asked what. We had walked quite a distance and it was time for me to leave. I’d stopped a bike to take me home, but before I got on it, I turned to him and said, “I’m in love with you.”

And I jumped on the bike and told the bike man to beat it (lol).

I couldn’t face Jonathan right then, just after I’d told him what I was pretty sure I shouldn’t have told him.

When I got home, I kept looking at my phone as I waited for his response. I waited hours, but nothing happened. No call, no texts. Hours turned to days. Days turned to weeks. Weeks turned to months. And all this while, there was nothing from Jonathan. No response from him. Not even when I finally tried to reach out to him. He ignored my calls and didn’t answer my messages.

It took some time, but the painful realization soon began to dawn on me that Jonathan had decided to stop talking to me!!!

I was crushed. I blamed myself. As the months passed and he stayed ghosting me, I chastised myself, turned the wrath on myself, said the most hurtful things to myself. I told myself that it was my fault that I’d lost a beautiful friendship. And all because of WHAT – sex, some intimacy? Was it worth it? Was telling the truth about how I felt worth losing Jonathan?

No, it wasn’t!

That was what I said to myself back then. I lamented quietly over how I’d give up telling all the truth in the world just to have him hold my cheeks again, to have him smile at me again.

I was a mess.

Something about me: back then, my emotions usually moved like a train wreck. I didn’t open up easily for fear of disrespect or abuse. But when I did, I didn’t know how to control it or manage it.

Anyway, a full year after that sad episode, I attended a church camp – and there, I saw him. I don’t know how he managed it, but this would be the first time I’d be seeing him since I told him I loved him. I didn’t know I was going to run into him at the church camp; if I did, I might not have gone. And now that I’d seen him, I was afraid. Jonathan had this street thing about him that made you think he could pull up on you and rough you up. Our eyes met and I turned the other way and fled. It’d been a year and I couldn’t deal with him or whatever he had to say or might want to do to me.

Later that day though, he found me. And before I could react, he began apologizing. He talked about how he hadn’t been alright without me, that he misses me.

I found myself melting under the rush of renewed affection for him. But I was confused. And I asked, “But what happened? Why the silent treatment and ghosting for a whole year?”

He said he was confused and didn’t know how to respond to me without breaking my heart. He said he cared deeply about me, but he wasn’t gay. He said he was very straight and had never thought of being with a guy. He said he would always be there for me but not in that way.

I accepted his apology and was okay with being his friend again. But I was very hurt, and deep down, I didn’t know how to be his friend anymore. Not like we used to be.

Now, one thing to mention here is that, after Jonathan, I never again opened up to anyone about feelings or love till much later, almost 5 years later. In that period, my mind was too messed up to believe in love anymore. I would later find, after therapy, that this was because of Jonathan. I couldn’t trust anyone with my heart. Guys became useful for just sex. Why risk an investment in love when it would most likely turn into shambles?

Anyway, Jonathan and I maintained a decent friendship for about three years. He’d ask me advice about stuff, and talk to me about his girlfriend drama and about his sex drive and about his drug use. Whereas before, this was the kind of confidence that endeared him to me, now he was just depreciating in my heart. He became a mess in my eyes. He was becoming very skinny and darker, as though he was suffering. I was fast losing my attraction for him. But I tried to be there for him. He’d ask me for money and I would send whatever I could to him.

Gradually, life happened and we eventually stopped talking as much, and I was fine with it.

Then three years ago, Jonathan found his way back to me. He started saying that he was ready to try being with a guy and he wants me to be his first. I was elated by this, but skeptical as well. I wondered if he had any motive for this turnaround.

That motive soon became clear. Jonathan asked me for money to book a hotel room for us with, and I sent it across. But he disappeared and didn’t speak to me for months. Then he reemerged with an excuse, and I forgave him – only for him to ask for money again to get us a hotel room. I obliged him again, this time almost expecting it when he disappeared a second time.

When he reappeared a third time, I was done. I didn’t even pause to hear what he had to say this time; I simply blocked him everywhere and deleted his contact. This time, I was done with him for good. I was happy and I was at peace, and I didn’t need his bad energy around me anymore.

Then this year, out of nowhere, the thought of him dropped into my mind. And I realized that I wanted to settle that past. So, I got his number from his brother, Ben, and I sent him a text, asking how he was, hoping he was better and letting him know that I had forgiven him for the past.

His response was everything I didn’t expect.

He started by telling me how he’d changed and became a better person, how he now works for an LGBT equal rights organization, and how he volunteers to feed the hungry and those in need. He talked about how he had finally accepted that he’s bisexual and had even had a handful of sexual encounters with men. He finished by telling me he was so happy that I had forgiven him.

AARRGGHHH!!!

I was mad when I read that message. I was furious. I was mad that Jonathan had become a better person and I wasn’t there to see him change. I was mad that he had come around to accepting his homosexual side and I hadn’t been his first. I was so sad, I even cried. I began to chastise myself for being too hasty in ending things with him by blocking him. I couldn’t believe how hurt I was that I’d missed such a transitional period in the life of the man I first loved.

We got talking, and agreed to meet up. When we did, I was able to unburden myself to him, about how much I’d loved him and all the ways he hurt me and he apologized, telling me he knew he’d hurt me and he was desperate for me to forgive him and put everything in the past.

He was also looking very good, better than he was three years ago. He had stopped doing drugs, he said. He talked about how he was still figuring out his life and didn’t intend to be in any relationship for a while until he was emotionally ready. Then he said he was glad that we could talk and work towards being good.

As of today, we have been chatting for a good while. We have seen a few times, and during one of those times, he kissed me and grabbed my ass. It was so intense. And he was like, “I know you want us to have sex and you’re fighting it. Please continue to fight it and I promise you, when that time comes, we’ll have the best time.”

Jonathan is a very beautiful young man. He is also very charming. And I don’t know what to think about all this. Should I continue to wait on him and his journey to emotional stability? Or should I walk away now before I get sucked into a place where it’ll be too late for me?

He says that I’m very important to him, but even if it’s true, is this healthy?

Written by Spike

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26 Comments

  1. Ken
    July 18, 07:28 Reply

    Don’t walk, run! Lubbish. He wants to keep u on a leash, lusting and catering to his every whims and worshipping him like a god. He knows you’re smitten and will milk that cow till it runs dry. If Jonathan likes u as much as he claims I don’t see the point of holding u off and keeping your life in limbo pending when (or if) he becomes ready for a relationship. This is just a nasty mind game by joe

  2. Black Dynasty
    July 18, 08:45 Reply

    Sighs, maybe it’s just how simply i see life.

    If someone wants you, needs you,they will show you. If they don’t, then their actions do not match their words and you’re wasting your time.

    I can understand the complications and the years put into this…. but i ask you this, don’t you deserve someone who wants you as much you want him? Why put everything on hold for someone that is not ready? This door has been closed in your face multiple times and you don’t want to move on from it smh.

    Love yourself enough to put you as a priority too. Value yourself ooo…

  3. Pezaro
    July 18, 09:17 Reply

    I can relate perfectly with how first loves tend to linger for like a lifetime. No one would blame you for still trying to look/reach out for Jonathan. The only problem here is that this isn’t mutual. It is glaring that Jonathan doesn’t share your emotional sentiment towards him no matter how convincing he’s trying to sound. He most-likely is no bisexual either.

    “I know you want us to have sex and you’re fighting it. Please continue to fight it and I promise you, when that time comes, we’ll have the best time.”

    This line up here perfectly captures your relationship with him – keeping you at bay till whenever he’s ready to have sex with you (which will probably never happen) and in the meantime flirting with you enough for him to get as much favours from you since you probably can’t get over him.

    I don’t think you need Kdians to advise you before you quit. Cut down on your communication with him. If you must talk, be as platonic as possible and make sure you give him all the “I’ve gotten over you” vibes.

    He’d get the cue and leave, or he could as well come around to proving that he loves you indeed.

    Life is too short for you to invest on who wouldn’t invest in you, you deserve happiness and you must get it.

    • Mandy
      July 18, 11:13 Reply

      “Life is too short for you to invest on who wouldn’t invest in you…”

      This right here is everything! In almost ten years, this guy has proven consistently to be the one you invest on with no returns. And yet, you don’t see how this will all probably end in tears? Again?

  4. Delle
    July 18, 09:26 Reply

    I don’t know, but there’s just so many HIMs and very few MEs in this that’s a bit unsettling. The dependency on him, the way you have spun yourself around him for about 7 years even with all the huge hiatuses in-between is quite something.

    Would have been cute but I read this piece through and at one point, couldn’t help but roll my eyes. How long before you saunter off and relegate him to the position of a casual Buddy?

    You see, it’s okay that you think something could happen and maybe something will, nobody knows, but you’re pining over him and that’s just exhausting. Let him be. You find your own. Find a path that brings you happiness and if he fits in that block, you’ll know this.

    Let this be a situation where he fixes himself in your life and not the other way around. Too much time has passed already and it’s funny how it seems as though the changes happened with him but none with you.

    If you’re destined to be with him, that’s what will happen but sitting and waiting for that to be while casting doubts here and there as to its feasibility is tiring at best and silly at worst.

    Move on.

  5. Zoar
    July 18, 09:34 Reply

    I am in a similar dilemma but this particular guy is my very first gay Experience even though he seems straight which is still very confusing for me. Eventhough he’s a roughneck and he’s got a baby from his baby mama and I am now finally Married to a Woman myself (another long story by the way). I still can’t find myself not thinking about him.

    In time past I have talked physically about it to him and how I still want him but he’ll tell me how he’s not doing that anymore and he’ll resist any touch from me.

    Our last chat on Facebook happened 2015. He chatted me up and asked if I still remembered him which was a very funny question to me. I told him I am still missing him and I still loved him still and he also asked if “I was sure” and that he also still “Loves me”, that’s after he had asked for a favor from me though. By 2017, I chatted him up again and I still confessed my desires for him and he kept saying I should come visit him but he’ll ghost me when the time we agreed on to see reaches. It happened several times, so I stopped asking to visit him.

    I saw him physically unexpectedly one particular day as he was walking down the street and he didn’t know I was around that area at that particular time and he looked very slim and pale and I felt really bad for him 😢. He told me how he’s broken up with his girlfriend and his son is now been taken care of by his mum.He was even ashamed of himself to have seen me in that state which I knew and I tried to make him comfortable but I really felt bad for his appearance.

    2018 I relocated to the West and totally forgot about him. Few days back Something happened that made me remember him and I searched for his number and was surprised it’s still on my contact list. I called him with a new number he doesn’t have and I was surprised he still remembered my voice even before I told him I was the one. He was like “he is now too used to my voice that he can recognize it from any state that he is”. I was surprised and touched to hear that.
    I then told him I am still missing him and he kept saying I don’t even know how he’s been missing me as well. In his words “I have been missing you more than you can ever Miss me and you don’t know how I want to see you” and I can’t wrap my thoughts around all these because when I eventually invite him to come see me from the South down to the West,I’m afraid if I still make any moves towards him,if he’ll reject me again because that’s what he’s always done physically when his words say otherwise on the phone. I’ve been so confused all my life about this particular guy. Some people advised that I see a therapist because he’ll continue messing with my Emotions and I won’t be able to control myself around him and he knows this and he keeps torturing me by refusing to even touch me. And it’s funny because this was the same guy that was all over me when we were much younger. He was so into me then that he didn’t even mind making out with me in front of his friend at the stream those times now he can’t even touch me again even when his words are saying otherwise.

    Can someone please also tell me what to do because I’m also loosing it too
    And I think my situation is similar to what the story is about 😞😞

    He’s 34 now while I am 32.

    • Mandy
      July 18, 11:11 Reply

      “I am missing you…”
      “I am missing you too…”
      “I am missing you…”
      “I am missing you too… ”

      All words, and lots of ghosting.

      Plus you’re married and he’s got personal issues.

      And you’re still wondering what to do with this guy?

      Lol. Sometimes eh, we can kuku like to be the architect of our problems.

      • Zoar
        July 18, 12:02 Reply

        Mandy thanks for your advice but you won’t understand the grip First Love or First Sexual Encounters have on an individual. I always see myself as an extremely hard guy but anytime it has to do with this particular guy. I loose it. I don’t even understand the feelings myself not like he has anything better to offer me presently but that fondness for him won’t just let me be free.

        I forget about him and then I remember him and I we get talking again and he ghosts me and then I forget about him again and the cycle just keeps continuing……

        Maybe I need a therapy or something.

        Thanks anyway

        • Ebube
          July 21, 08:48 Reply

          Please can you reach out to me via Twitter @ebube_iam ???

    • Ebube
      July 20, 10:40 Reply

      Hi Zoar…
      I’m so sorry you’re going through that.
      I think you should get therapy.
      You’re married you know?
      And you might even have a kid or two or more…
      I know you’re not all happy and fulfilled in that aspect but please you need to be careful.
      Get therapy, try to let him go. You’ll ache, you’ll feel pain, trauma, you’ll feel like a mess… But it’s for the best dear.
      Please be safe.
      I wish I can just hug you and pat your back.
      Sending you love

  6. Mandy
    July 18, 11:22 Reply

    Spike, I have no doubt that Jonathan’s struggles may be genuine. Contrary to what someone said up there, I actually do believe he could be bisexual and that all this ghosting has been part of his struggles to accept himself.

    But here’s the thing: his issues don’t have to be your issues. His struggles don’t have to be your burden. He is on a journey to emotional stability? Fine. That’s his journey. YOU don’t have to wait for him. YOU do YOU! Look for love elsewhere. Look for sex elsewhere. Whichever you want. Don’t yoke yourself with his situation by keeping yourself for him. I mean… “I know you want us to have sex and you’re fighting it. Please continue to fight it and I promise you, when that time comes, we’ll have the best time.”
    But he has had other gay sexual encounters? What sort of bullcrap is that? That sounds suspiciously like emotional manipulation. Trying to keep you on a leash while he uses you and plays on your feelings for him.

    If I were you, I’d sit him down and tell him: “I understand that you are on a journey and I respect that. But I have myself to think about. So I’m going to go do me. I’m not keeping myself pure for marriage to you. I’m going to go find happiness wherever else I can find it. And when you’re ready, give me a call. And if I’m feeling you then, then we can do this.”

    My point is: don’t put your emotional and sexual energy on hold because you’re waiting for him to get to his happy place.

  7. Spike
    July 18, 12:23 Reply

    Thank you everyone.

    I do agree that I am the one that is stuck.

    I actually have never been in any kind of sexual or romantic relationship and maybe I was subconsciously waiting for him.

    I’ll do better.

    If he wants it then he’ll work his way to get it.

    I won’t lie and say that I don’t still love him, I do but I’m stronger enough now to separate all the emotions.

    So till then I’ll live life to the fullest.

    But I still don’t know how to be in a relationship.

    • Ebube
      July 21, 08:48 Reply

      Please can you reach out to me via Twitter @ebube_iam ???

  8. Tariq
    July 18, 14:36 Reply

    I hate complications….

    He’s sure supper complicated..

    My piece…

    Let d man go…

    He likes that u r more into him than he is with u…n that’s ur weakness..

    And that man will never stop taking advantage of it…

  9. Black Coffee
    July 18, 15:15 Reply

    Hey Spike, you’re obviously into this guy more than he is into you. Simply live your life to the fullest because this guy will not match up your energy.
    Go and there and do you. You deserve more, you deserve better.
    Cheers!

  10. Atima
    July 18, 16:12 Reply

    Do you want to loose him one more time??? Keep him close till he’s ready.

  11. Anoni
    July 18, 16:48 Reply

    I’ll leave these words from Tyrion Lannister for both spike, zoar and myself… “Love is the death of reason”

  12. Ade
    July 19, 13:23 Reply

    Love sees no faults, they say….what a beautiful story . They love too much that die for love… love is a sweet torment….my humble advice is , know what you want for yourself, don’t get stucked with Jonathan, if he isn’t ready to fix his all for you.. keep the friendship going and chase after your own dreams and the LOYL , if he is meant for you, things would fall in place, otherwise life continues, so my dear MOVEEEE!

  13. Ebube
    July 20, 10:49 Reply

    Hi Spike,
    To say I know exactly how you feel is so cliché. But then, I know exactly how you feel cos I’ve been there and in worse.
    This thing about we church boys, workers at that and lead singers in particular. it is well with us anyway…
    This other thing about handsome guys, pretty guys…
    I don’t know how to describe it But I can hear my best friend scream you’re among!!!… God will help his children las las.

    Dear, biko let him go!
    That’s all I can tell you right now.
    Let him go!?
    For the sake of your sanity,
    For ministry sake.
    Let him go.

    You still have the chance to learn from mistakes of others like you. I didn’t. Cos I didn’t even know I should ask.
    Mine is a pastor and it didn’t end well cos I was at the end in the center of a very highly managed top secret scandal. My life was shattered by that single experience.
    I had to start afresh on all sides.
    I’ve healed now but it’s seems my ability to trust people with my emotions and heart has been affected. Or maybe the right guy hasn’t showed up yet. So I’ve focused that energy on my craft.

    Finally, let him go…
    Please 🙏…
    If you wanna talk about it, I’m here.😘

    • Pink Panther
      July 20, 15:12 Reply

      Hello Ebube, seeing as you’ve healed, would you mind telling us the story of what happened? 😀
      Maybe sending it in as an email to be published here?

      • Ebube
        July 20, 19:16 Reply

        Hehehe…
        I’ve been meaning to do that.
        When I finally get the strength to, I sure will. 😊

  14. Yomite
    July 20, 12:09 Reply

    You need to let him move on and stay wherever he is. He is obviously not interested in you as such. He has experienced his sexuality with others and have moved on. You need to do the same and move on.

  15. Paul
    July 24, 21:51 Reply

    You should let him go…
    *First time commenting here

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