Hopeless Sunday Morning

Hopeless Sunday Morning

I’m not hung-over. I don’t know if I should be. Should five shots of Vodka leave you hung-over? I guess not. So it’s Sunday morning and I’m at my desk, writing this, wishing for a hangover. A headache is a nice distraction from thoughts you don’t want in your head.

But there is no headache and the thoughts have made themselves at home.

There is a boy behind me. It is thoughts about him I’m running from. I guess I should have known this was a bad idea. After all, I’ve never been good at sports.

I will call him Half Smile. I get the name from the expression on his face when we make love – excuse me – when we fuck. It is curious smile. Shy, self conscious, mischievous and outright diabolical at the same time. It is also a perfect disguise to mask all the raging lust burning inside him.

Half Smile and I have basically spent each day of the last two months together. These days have been great. They have been the best, most complete moments I have spent with another human. Every touch held meaning, every kiss touched my soul and each conversation strengthened our connection even more. Half Smile had come out of nowhere and became the sun in my solar system. Everything revolved him.

It is not these thoughts I’m running from. It is memories of last night’s conversation with him. The one we had in that surreal ride back home after a night of drinking, smoking and dancing to horrible Nigerian music. The one where emboldened by all the alcohol in my bloodstream, I confessed I was too deep in love with him. The one where I told him I wanted something a little more than the sex and the conversations. The one where he received my little revelation with an expressionless face. The one where he said he can’t be in a relationship with a dude, that he doesn’t know how to. The one where he said he’s already at his limit with how far we have gone. The one where he quietly killed my hope of finding sex, romance, commitment and love with him. Those are the thoughts I’m running from on this utterly hopeless Sunday morning.

Written by Bruno

Previous Photo: Can Anyone Really Be This Clueless In 2016?
Next IBK's JOURNAL (Entry 3)

About author

You might also like

Our Stories 10 Comments


So I was out with these guys. One of them was something I call a non-homophobic non ally. That is, he is not hateful towards the LGBT but is mostly

Our Stories 16 Comments


Sexual roles and preferences have always been a hot topic here on Kito Diaries, with both sides going for the jugular, swords drawn and claws bared. This piece is not

Editor's Desk 3 Comments

“HOW I RESIST” Is Now An Anthology You Can Download

“Since 2014, the conversation around queer people has refused to die down. In an era of peak television from Hollywood, where one can—in every show—expect to find at least one


  1. Mandy
    July 17, 06:29 Reply

    The bite of unrequited love. That can be a bitch.

  2. Wiffey
    July 17, 07:12 Reply

    Who jumps into sex without clarity on the future ? of the relationship? Like you should define the kind of relationship you want with a person from hello and keep it that way. We are always too scared of having the #Talk because we don’t want to be rejected so we simply offer ourselves on a platter an expert him to fall in love after sex.

    You know what they say, once you’ve been fucked, you can never be kissed.

    • Dimkpa
      July 17, 09:12 Reply

      Are you trying to say that having sex is tantamount to being in a relationship? Like, we should have the talk before jumping in the sack? Really interesting idea…

      • Pjay
        July 17, 10:42 Reply

        Uncle Dimkpa, I don’t see where he said that. But, actually it’s not a bad idea if you have the talk before you jump into the sack. Not everyone has the mind to engage in mindless sexual intercourse. What I find interesting is that you don’t have the talk before you jump into the sack. Forgive me but I can be prude like that.

        • Dimkpa
          July 17, 12:12 Reply

          @Pjay (my nephew apparently), I would like to know what you understand from the following,

          “Who jumps into sex without clarity on the future ? of the relationship? Like you should define the kind of relationship you want with a person from hello and keep it that way”

          I guess I am asking from the point of view of someone who engages in “mindless sexual intercourse” but it sure seems to me that the suggestion is to discuss relationship goals before even finding out if you are sexually compatible.

    • bruno
      July 17, 11:49 Reply

      lol. wiffey. a relationship is not a business contract. besides i dont see why dude will not tell you what you want to hear just to get in your pants

  3. Francis
    July 17, 07:37 Reply

    Shit that happens when you don’t define a relationship early ????

  4. Simba
    July 17, 09:44 Reply

    Dosent mean its over.. Why don’t u give him more time to process what ur asking him.

    • bruno
      July 17, 11:42 Reply

      lol. this story was was written in the early days of our affair. we went on to date for close to a year.

      • BeeJay
        July 17, 20:41 Reply

        Jesus Christ man! y dint u tell us earlier???

  5. Delle
    July 17, 09:58 Reply

    “Can’t be in a relationship with a dude”…
    After the sex and passion, I wonder how people confidently utter this.

    • Francis
      July 17, 10:10 Reply

      He has probably planned his future tey tey and man was not in it. Just madam and dem babies.

      • Delle
        July 17, 11:50 Reply

        Next time, he should also put his dick in that agenda. Some people can just like to yeye

    • Pjay
      July 17, 10:44 Reply

      As in ehn, you’ve been having sex almost every day with a dude for two months and you say you can’t be in a relationship with a dude?? Like WTH!!!

    • bruno
      July 17, 11:34 Reply

      *internalized homophobia* ??

  6. Rapum
    July 17, 10:24 Reply

    I don’t claim to understand fully the workings of what you have with him, but from the little I can glean from this piece, if you enjoy his company and the sex, and if he does not make you feel low and conflicted by what he says and does (especially this), and if he is as forward with what he can and cannot offer, like he did here, and if you can stand it, maybe just continue what you have. Maybe you’ll learn to accept this reality; maybe he’ll learn to care more deeply. Maybe not. But this is something you could think about.

    And for those saying that’s the problem with not defining a relationship at the beginning, I salute your steadfast certainty.

    • Francis
      July 17, 10:27 Reply

      Man I say so cause I’ve being there before. You can’t be sexing somebody and enjoying their company long term without small feelings coming into the equation from one or both ends.

      Better to define the matter as early as possible

      • IBK
        July 17, 10:36 Reply

        What’s the point of defining if in the end feelings will still be caught? Might as well just wait for the person who is willing to bae you.

        • Francis
          July 17, 10:39 Reply

          The way I see it, at least you were warned in good time. This way you don’t go around blaming the nigga for not reciprocating ya feelings for him.

  7. Handle
    July 17, 11:09 Reply

    People need to understand not everyone knows how to be in a relationship. It has nothing to do with sexuality. That’s his shortcoming. You should be lucky he was upfront and direct with you. He understood his own limits, which re stretched already by having you around day in day out.

    Some of us are like this but just don’t to admit it. We want companionship but don’t really know how to be in a relationship. So we get into one and after couple of months we start pushing our partners away bcos we feel trapped and suffocated.

    I’m sexually attracted to both sex but I don’t know how to be in a relationship with the opposite sex whereas I don’t have same problem with same sex. It’s just how I’m wired. I have everything to be the perfect boyfriend but once I step in, I want out.

    So cut the guy some slack, it hurts to feel rejected but in the long run you’re better off having what you guys already enjoy. I would kill to have someone like this “now”, without the constant pressure of someone trying to drag or emotionally manipulate me into a relationship.

    • Francis
      July 17, 11:22 Reply

      ??? Bros abeg break this down “We want companionship but don’t really know how to be in a relationship.

      What’s the difference biko?

      • Delle
        July 17, 12:04 Reply

        Prolly, companionship doesn’t come with the extra emotional baggage Relationships have in their trawler.

        • Francis
          July 17, 12:12 Reply

          Man don dey over old. I really need to define what I want as an ogbonge loner.

  8. Canis VY Majoris
    July 17, 12:19 Reply

    The need to have more is the root cause of all the pain and disappointment there is; Especially when this more is required from another human being. Why can’t we just be content with what’s been given to us and live each day as it comes?. Nothing lasts forever, only the memories we make in time, rather than looking for ‘more’ than there is or ever will be. So instead we should be spending time making the best memories knowing it all could end in a heartbeat (literally).

    • IBK
      July 17, 12:29 Reply

      There’s nothing wrong with wanting more.
      Demand for what you want.. If it can’t be provided take stock and decide if you can manage with what you’re receiving. If no then bid Felicia, bye!
      Sometimes being complacent is why things never reach their full potential.

      • Canis VY Majoris
        July 17, 12:44 Reply

        You’re right there’s nothing ‘wrong’ in demanding more. There’s also nothing ‘wrong’ in being complacent. One just brings more pain than the other. If only we could worry less about where things are going and appreciate where things are, none of these would matter really.

        • Francis
          July 17, 12:51 Reply

          I do get your point and it makes plenty sense. Live and love in the moment as nothing lasts forever but It’s just looking back at all the resources wasted on the relationship that pains person

          • Canis VY Majoris
            July 17, 13:03 Reply

            Well Francis maybe if we stop seeing relationships as an ‘investment’ and more like one of the ephemeral pleasures of life, then the ‘resources’ supposedly wasted, will not pain as much.

            • Delle
              July 17, 16:27 Reply

              But then again, why on earth would you want an ephemeral relationship? Life itself is ephemeral but we can make the little things that make life worth it, as eternal as we would want it to be.
              I don’t see why one would enter a relationship and only want to live in the moment no matter how realistic that sounds.
              It’s almost as though u envisage a breakup before the relationship kicks off. Isn’t that the highest of pessimism and unnecessary paranoia?

        • IBK
          July 17, 13:09 Reply

          It’s at this point I realise me and you are very far apart in thinking.

  9. IBK
    July 17, 12:38 Reply

    I don’t know how people do it “wanting more but deciding to settle for whatever the other person throws at you”.
    If it starts out casual and feelings develop from my end I’ll let you know. If it isn’t reciprocated I’ll hang on for a bit and start planning my exit strategy. There more than 6 billion people in the world.. Very unnecessary to hang on to someone who refuses to or can’t love you the way you want to be loved.

  10. Cho
    July 17, 12:49 Reply

    Companionship….friendship with extra cheese. Relationship…labels and boxes. That’s the difference.
    It’s like this…oh Bruno you’re going to work this morning. Bruno forgets to eat breakfast and lunch, only eats at 6pm.
    Bruno you’re fasting today….10am extreme hunger. You get Francis?

    • Francis
      July 17, 12:53 Reply

      You’ve successfully managed to increase my confusion

      • Delle
        July 17, 16:30 Reply

        Rotfl! Even me wey explain am to you before don confuse join

    • IBK
      July 17, 13:06 Reply

      You only want something when you can’t have it?

  11. Jo
    July 17, 13:10 Reply

    Lol…Pele Francis
    I do think definitions should be given to any relationship. Maybe not at the initial stages but as the ‘gbenshing’ progresses. so that everyone is aware of the stance of the other….whether it would end at being fuckmates or not.

  12. iliana
    July 17, 13:42 Reply

    I’m quite like Mr half smile, relationships bore me,I start getting irritated by the person. Bruno must really feel bad but I suggest he moves on. I hope y’all went to church.God loves us

    • Francis
      July 17, 17:03 Reply

      Church no dey epp everybody. Hope you enjoyed the sermon and will make a good attempt at practicing it.?

      • Brian Collins
        July 17, 21:29 Reply

        I laughed hard at the irony of this. If I were to practicalise what was preached in church today, I would speak out against what you and me both are Francis. Kai, it was not a small matter. And my father was right beside me the whole time.

Leave a Reply