April 12

Duke’s travel is an almost done deal. He has dropped off his passport with the person helping him out. I feel sad about it. Not because he is going, but because of what might have been if he wasn’t going. Thankfully, I prepared my mind for this so it would not hurt too much. After I see him next week, I will tell him I am not interested in holding on to him. I’ll delete him off my BBM too. I don’t want to see pictures that will make me feel nostalgic.

Tay reckons I’m just scared of being alone. I have been with different people for the past five years of my life, and he thinks I don’t want to know what it’s like to be alone. He is a little right. But I am not one to shy away from my fears too much. If being alone is what I will be soon, then so be it. But as long as there are people I want who want me back, why should I be alone?

This has been more of an emotional journal than one recording events. At the moment, there are not a lot of interesting events to record.

I told my dad yesterday I wanted to do my internship in Jos. He was totally against it. I will work up an argument and talk with him. I hope he isn’t too strong-headed to shift ground. I think I want to be a researcher if I ever get into the vet business full time. As much as I would love to have the luxury of sitting around doing nothing but giving orders, I would also love to see the world outside Africa. Going to Ife reminded me how much I love to travel and see the changing scenery. I don’t like being in one place for too long or visiting the same old places.

My friend told me how her dad is in Morocco and would come home, then travel to France. I realized I wanted that kind of life. I don’t want to be a surgeon. I wouldn’t mind diagnosing illnesses and treating them, but I know I do not want to cut up and sew back animal parts. Then again, maybe it’s because I haven’t tried it, I might find out it’s quite interesting later on.

Then this friend that told me about her dad – Joan. I like her. She’s pretty, but I expect to find myself in the friend-zone as usual. Curses on the witches from my village who are on my case with women.

I told some guy that I like men more than I like women. And he was like “please try and like them equally.” That comment really irritated me. It’s not the first time I’m hearing it, but this time, I just felt angry. It was hypocritical and ignorant of him to say that. Sometimes I even wish the feelings for women were nonexistent so I could be completely sure of my sexuality. But every once in a while, a female would catch my eye. Thinking of sex with them is still hard though and a bit disgusting. I think I watched the wrong kind of straight porn. Pussy looks like some weird sandwich, triangular shaped (illuminati tinz) and just weird. And you see the girl going all “fuck me, make my pussy wide” . . . like Dafuq?!

The way porn portrays sex can be annoying. Excuse me, not everyone wants their hole to be turned into a wide gaping tunnel or begs for cock to be stuck in there (I sometimes did that with John, the begging thing. Sometimes you need to talk dirty). What I’m trying to say is that what you see in porn isn’t real life. Sex is messy and can get awkward. The change in positions isn’t so fluid, and who the fuck wears shoes while having sex?

I know some people are so skilled at the whole thing that it actually feels like you’re in a porno. (I’m yet to meet anyone like that, hit me up if you know someone) The way straight porn depicts females is the most irritating. They treat them like objects. That gives the heterosexual male a wrong sense of how a female should be treated. I know I am not an expert on girls and sex with them, but I look at it sometimes and it just feels wrong. Girls aren’t objects. They’re more than that. They’re delicate and need to be taken care of (even the feminists), they need to be respected and loved. I blame the females of nowadays. They don’t know their worth. They don’t know that men can’t do without them. Some men.

This thing is probably going off point but whatever. lol.

I was chatting with a friend the day before yesterday and he went, “Did you know Mika is gay?” I said yes, adding that he still makes good music. The friend said, “I know but it’s just a little bothersome.” What a moron. So because someone is gay, it changes whatever good thing they have about them? Because being a cheat, liar, adulterer, fornicator, rapist, wife beater, drug pusher, cocaine addict and other things is more forgivable than being gay, right?

I told him everyone is flawed. But that he needs to look beyond those flaws and enjoy what good things they have to offer. He called me a gay rights activist and closet homo (he said he was joking. I don’t know if he was). I told him he was drunk and we lol-ed and started insulting each other. I think he suspects I am gay. Not so bothered about it though, I sometimes think he is gay too. There is just something off about him. It makes my gaydar tingle.

I think I can go to sleep now. Let me just watch some porn. Yes, I know I said porn sucks. But hey, some of them still have secret fantasies of mine.

Written by James


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  1. Absalom
    June 01, 06:31 Reply

    What kind of porn are you about to watch, please?

  2. Chizzie
    June 01, 08:01 Reply

    I don’t understand how a gay ( or is it bisexual) man’s journal can be this boring
    its like reading a M&B novel where the author uses 5pages to describe a pencil. James keep ur journal to urself.

    and PinkPanther..pls whr is another episode of sex and the city? ???

    • CeeCee
      June 01, 08:22 Reply

      Chizzie, thank you ooo, I kept scratching my head after every few sentences trying to make head or tail of this tale … it just kept rambling and running all over the place without actually going anywhere. Sorry to say, its a clearly written piece of prose crafted to elicit nothing but a wide lazy yawn on a Sunday morning … Pinkpanther biko find something more lively abeg …

  3. Dominic
    June 01, 08:22 Reply

    ahn ahn….I beg to differ biko…this is far from boring….must everyone write abt sex and fuck everytime…me I enjoyed it especially the way u put ur tots down…keep it up joor!

  4. KingBey
    June 01, 12:44 Reply

    *Loud yawn* Wharrisdis? Eehnn…PinkPanther? O gini bu ihea? On a cold Sunday Morning that am really expecting something hot and sleazy, and you put up this? This??? Please, where is the continuation of Sex and The City? Na small thing dey make me vex…this James should just shove this his dry and boring diary down his butt…anyi achogiya !

  5. Blaq Jaqs
    June 01, 18:06 Reply

    I believe the writer was trying to portray jumbled emotions and random musings. Although the execution fell short in certain aspects especially with the lack of coherence and transitioning from one paragraph to the next. The writer’s effort should still be appreciated, so well done to u!

    For porn seekers, there’s a vast library on the Internet which is at your fingertips. So instead on tearing apart someone’s post, why not drop constructive criticism or simply not comment.

  6. Caligula
    June 01, 19:06 Reply

    A little too “stream of consciousness” but very enjoyable.

  7. Khyma
    June 02, 04:24 Reply

    This, I enjoyed. You conveyed your emotions clearly… maybe a little too many points at the same time but still nycc. Those looking for “hot” “sizzling” stories always should stick to internet porn sites and search engines. This is someone’s life, get over yourself.

  8. Absalom
    June 02, 05:46 Reply

    Hi, James. I like your diary, don’t all these bad belle people. However, try getting out of your head more and going places, being with people. Give us actual smells and tastes and sounds….details. This is about your experiences as a gay man moving through life, right? Transpose 98% of your thoughts into concrete events. You don’t have to write a word of sex. Also, it will help if you have a spear of plot/storyline impaling all the entries (no pun intended); that way you give us something to look forward to in terms of continuity.

    PS: This has been unsolicited advice. Cheers!

  9. papi
    June 02, 13:46 Reply

    nice piece…kip it up

  10. rapu'm
    June 04, 10:28 Reply

    I know this is a bit too late, but, like, seriously? This one of the most amazing stuff I’ve read here. And yes, Absalom, the advice makes sense.

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