Sickness no be better thing, aswear! I was down with M/T but now I’m stronger, skinnier and sexier. Lol.

I can be quite a ubiquitous person, when familiarity is at its peak. Though I talk a lot when I’m with friends than when I’m with a BF.

*clears throat*

So let’s call this bae Dan. It started with a friend request on 2go – the mens-lounge1. Emphasis on the ‘1’ please; enclaves 2, 3 and 4 house heavy idiots and blockheads, nothing good can come out of them.

So, Dan…

We got chatting, we didn’t quite blend. I was uninterested because he seemed like the usual pest with no profile photo of himself. Shey I want to start falling for a ghost who chats like a smart prick? I paid little or no attention to him.

Dan is purportedly ten years older than I am. He lives far away from me. And he’s a recluse. He was desperate (for love, that is). I needed a boyfriend, but I didn’t see him being my boyfriend. He opted for an online relationship.

Ah. Hmm.

I was a hard nut to crack, but not an impossible one. I gave in. And then our online relationship kicked off. I turned off and out anyone and everyone who asked for my hand in bae-ship. “Sorry. I have a boyfriend… No, I can’t cheat on him.”


But you know this thing called Ego – destroying relationships since nineteen-gbirigidingbim. Yes.

We had it bad. It was the constant “Why don’t you call or even text me?” “Why do I have to initiate our chats first?” “You’re online but you don’t holler…” “You don’t even act like you love me…”

Whys and more whys… Aish! It was tiring. We quarrel today, make up tomorrow. Quarrel the next day, make up the later on.

Online relationship!


From Lagos to Port Harcourt is quite a distance. He could just fly down to Lasgidi, relocate or something. But he has Lagosophobia.


We made #OneDay trendy in our chats. Yea #OneDay we were going to meet. And #OneDay, it happened. We met when school stuff took me over to the east – Owerri. He was excited and persuaded me to come over to PH. I’d never done that before, I mean, traveling to another state to see a boyfriend without anyone knowing about it.

But it was an opportunity for Dan and me to finally meet. So I made out time and journeyed to PH city. It wasn’t far like far-far. But it wasn’t exactly a forty-five-minute drive. Tsk.

I finally arrived and the Pirates of the Caribbean freak picked me up. He gave me this enigmatic look with them tiny eyes he’s got. I smiled sheepishly (something I fucking have got to stop doing when meeting someone for the first time :s). When we got to his apartment, he enclosed me in a very tight bear hug! (Yea, you could imagine the excitement. That finally moment when Bae is finally around)

Dan. His bold face, his accent – urgh, the accent. Very funny. ‘Orobo’ rolls out of his tongue sounding like ‘Ohobo’. He murders pidgin so. 🙂 He speaks French, the language of love, amidst other languages. (I’m searching for a tuition-free French tutor oh. Email me!) We didn’t quite talk much though, except about his moving plans. He was in the process of moving out of his apartment. In the meantime, we kissed and cuddled and kissed some more and –

“Should we have sex?” was the next thing that dropped out of Dan’s lips.

“No joor.” was my reply, accompanied by a brief laugh.

And good thing he didn’t persist. He was horny for Akwa-Ibom. But he didn’t push it with me. I feel like when you have sex with someone you’re meeting with for the first time, that there’s an awkwardness that follows. *shrug*

I knew I wasn’t in love with him or even infatuated even. But I was still going to date him. I didn’t spend the night in PH, I headed back to O-town hours later with the promise that we’d see each other again.


OAN: I’m serious about the French tutor.

Written by Kizito

Next Rest In Peace, Peter Bello

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  1. Mandy
    August 14, 07:01 Reply

    There’s a certain startling frankness that is so unique to this Kizito’s series that I find endearing. lol. And u, oga, are a wiseass o. I don’t even understand how this relationship with Dan will work, seeing as you’re Lagosian and he has Lagosophobia… lol.

    • Pink Panther
      August 14, 07:03 Reply

      LOL. Lagosophobia. I know a few friends who have it. It’s a real disease.

  2. #Chestnut
    August 14, 07:01 Reply

    Hmmm.Are u sure u really want an online relationship? With THIS guy whom u don’t really like? And when u say “Pirates of the carribean freak”, do u mean he’s a big fan of the POTC movies, or he looks like a zombie when the moonlight (or any light at all) hits him?

    • Pink Panther
      August 14, 07:02 Reply

      Hahahahahahaaa!!! Tiercel is right. Chestnut, you’re a stirrer of hot tea. The scalding kind.

        • Pink Panther
          August 14, 07:18 Reply

          What? I’m just looking at you with side-eye. The full concentration is from God. With 3D.

    • #TeamKizito
      August 14, 07:21 Reply

      Hmm. Chestie.

      He’s a very big fan of POTC. He’s Jack Sparrow reloaded. -_-

      • Pink Panther
        August 14, 07:30 Reply

        He doesn’t stagger about, weaving this way and that and speak in the English accent, with a raggedy dress sense, does he? 🙂

        • Tiercel de Claron
          August 14, 09:01 Reply

          Hey dab toes,raggedy dress sense?.Ye think ye sit pretty tall what plumed out like some peacock?.
          Reckon ye landlubbers ain’t know nothing,see what good that will do ye riding the rigging or climbing topgallant mast.
          Aye,we’d probably have to stonnicky ye to get ye moving.Dinna mock functional

      • #Chestnut
        August 14, 07:42 Reply

        @Kizito: ok…really I didn’t know which one u meant,so I had to ask…hehe

        • Tiercel de Claron
          August 14, 09:09 Reply

          Someone once said I carry a big wooden spoon about,looking for something to stir(Oga Peak,I dey troway salute),but you…you’re in a class all your own.Spoon,pitchfork,evil grin and all.

  3. Jamie.
    August 14, 07:44 Reply

    It’s funny but…, I kinda saw myself constantly while reading this piece @Kizito. Plus you said skinny huh???
    Anyway, we broke up cos of arguments years back and it hasn’t been an easy time. He somehow has this way coming for make-up; but that doesn’t mean we don’t argue in the process or afterwards… It’s awkward!! Two people who want something so bad but can’t have it!! He’s too smart…

  4. Max
    August 14, 07:46 Reply

    Nice entry. Dating someone ure not in love with could turn disastrous later. Take it from someone who’s been down that road.

    • Tiercel de Claron
      August 14, 09:05 Reply

      Or it could turn to love,build something great out of it.It does seem as if they like and respect each other,that’s a start.

  5. Peak
    August 14, 07:56 Reply

    Kizito, have I mentioned how unscriptedly weird your style of expression/writing is? #ILike

  6. sinnex
    August 14, 13:35 Reply


    But come oooo….men lounge1 is better than 2,3,4…? How so? I juassumed that assumed that when room is more than 38 or so, you would be moved to another room.

  7. R.A
    August 14, 14:17 Reply

    I enjoy Kizito’s speech all the time. Just find it funny and cool. That frequent fight and make-up wahala sha *sighs*

  8. rev hot
    August 14, 16:16 Reply

    He was horny for Akwa-Ibom. hahahahahahahahahaha….. so much humour in such a short piece…. #Talent

  9. Diablo
    August 14, 19:17 Reply

    You had me when you said u knew u weren’t in love but you were still going to date Him. Very good. ! 🙂

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