‘Promiscuous Gay Guys Give Our Community A Bad Name!’ Linford Martin Writes

‘Promiscuous Gay Guys Give Our Community A Bad Name!’ Linford Martin Writes

Originally published on guyslikeu.com

Earlier this year, I appeared on an episode of First Dates in which I met a guy called Xanthi. Although we had a fun time, we didn’t hit it off. While he went on to appear on the show for a second time, I carried on my life in the real world where I managed to bag the man of my dreams, without the help of a TV show.

I met Jess on Facebook, of all places, a few months after my date with Xanthi and hit it off with him straight away. Now, I have never been a believer of love at first sight, but the moment our eyes met, I just knew he was the one for me and we’ve been together ever since! Even though it’s been a short time, I have never trusted anyone more in my life and I’m so pleased to have found a guy I’m positive I will be with forever.

Before Jess, I had endured a string of failed relationships, all of which came to an end because my partners cheated on me. I have been cheated on in almost every relationship I have been in, which has been totally soul destroying. Knowing that someone has been with someone else behind your back makes you constantly question yourself. Am I not good looking enough? Am I not interesting enough? Is there something wrong with me? Honestly, being cheated on really can give you a complex.

But looking back, I like to think the simple fact is, those lads just wanted to get their end away and had nothing to do with me whatsoever as a person. Bottom line, it all boils down to their own insecurities.

Call me old fashioned, or simply moralistic, but I really do think monogamy is ignored by the majority of the gay community and it’s something I personally find very distressing. Social media and apps such as Grindr are popular and only seem to encourage men to stray and I see the art of chivalry slowly dying out.

Now don’t get me wrong, I know there are many gay couples out there who are happy and faithful, myself included. But I know of couples who are in ‘open relationships’, couples who actively go out to seek men to sleep with whether it be as part of a threesome, or simply hooking up with a guy with their partner’s consent.

I know I might sound judgmental, but for me, this is not what a relationship should be about! The sad thing is, the gay community has had for years a reputation for being promiscuous, which is something I hate. We have come so far over the past few years in terms of social acceptance, but there is still this grubby perception that gay guys are sex obsessed! I think it’s unfair that that’s what people think about my community because not all of us are like that.

Yes I know straight people do the same, but the gay community – due to years of oppression and bigotry – are still thought of as promiscuous. And I don’t think we’re helping ourselves.

I see lads on Facebook openly bragging about wanting ‘no strings attached fun’. It’s as if some of us have no shame, and other members of the LGBT applaud this behaviour almost egging people on, and saying that gay people shouldn’t be heteronormative – i.e. trying to aspire to a traditional lifestyle of monogamy.

Since meeting Jess, my whole life has been turned upside down. I have never been treated so incredibly by anyone. I’ve never been made to feel so important and so special and honestly it is the best feeling in the world!

What disturbs me more is that it’s quite obvious that Jess and I are in a relationship on Facebook (due to our many soppy posts and pictures on a daily basis), but that doesn’t stop lads messaging me or Jess. It’s sad that people go out of their way to try and attract the attention of people who are in a happy relationship, and yet it happens every day.

A lot of people think that monogamy is overrated and not for them – fine, that’s entirely their choice, everyone has the right to live the life they want to live – but I ask for them to do so in private. There’s nothing alluring about somebody who has promiscuous traits and also I don’t want people to lump all gay men into the category and think one gay man’s actions reflect us all.

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  1. Mandy
    June 01, 05:55 Reply

    ‘I see lads on Facebook openly bragging about wanting ‘no strings attached fun’. It’s as if some of us have no shame…’

    Why should they feel any shame? Isn’t it their preference not to want to be attached? I’m happy you’ve found love but let’s not use our sexual lives as a yardstick for everyone else. We just must stop doing that. Even straight people sleep around, and yet, somehow abundant sexual partners is a tar exclusively on the gay community? Come on.

  2. DI-NAVY
    June 01, 06:14 Reply

    This one is being too moral. Take your morality to your bedroom. Truth is, everybody musn’t be like you, the gaybourhood will certainly be boring. Everyone wasn’t wired to act the same, that’s why they have preference. One man’s ewwww is another man’s awwwwwww. Just because u’ve been heart broken doesn’t mean there ain’t good men out there. Even straight folks are promiscuous and you wouldn’t ask them to shove it just cos another person finds it offensive? I think it’s better someone’s upfront with you than leading you on to make you catch feelings. Happy you found love tho cos to get to the best. You have to go through the worst.

    • Truth
      June 01, 11:28 Reply

      Your man is already cheating on you and you have no idea.

      • Pink Panther
        June 01, 11:32 Reply

        Funny. How you’re so certain his man is cheating on him, but believe yours is faithful to you. Very funny, that.

      • DI-NAVY
        June 01, 14:28 Reply

        At least I have a man. Nobody will even want to go out with a bitter soul like you dearest “Truth’. You need a breathe of fresh air nwanne m.

        • keredim
          June 01, 16:18 Reply

          Well he claims to have “a man” and that they are happy in their relationship.

          Trouble is “a man has no name” and doesn’t even know he is in a relationship, talk less of being happy in it…

      • Colossus
        June 01, 14:33 Reply

        You can’t help it can you? This your strong urge to seek out happiness and squash it.

  3. Keredim
    June 01, 06:36 Reply

    Sanctimonious load of shit…

    It is with his own mouth he will come and tell us, Saint Jess has hooked up with another facebook suitor.

    Happy you have found love……for now.

    Enjoy it quietly


  4. Ernesto
    June 01, 06:38 Reply

    I have said it over and over again. Sex is not the only component of your sexuality. And no it’s not slutshaming. Heteronormative lifestyle encourages ‘NSA’ as well, but the society also respects committed relationships. In fact, society expects it.

    You go on dates, and instead of trying to get to know the person, we are more concerned about our sexual compatibility. If this was peculiar to countries like Nigeria where we are outlawed I for say na IH, but even in the obodo the story is still the same. People actually list that they are ‘partnered’ and want a guest fuck. Hian! He is right and if you like talk say na preference.

    • DI-NAVY
      June 01, 06:46 Reply

      honey, calm down. You’re vibrating and who said guys don’t go on dates to discuss issues apart from sex? Who said guys don’t indulge in committed relationship. This is a case where ladies say all men are dogs and all men are cheats just because they’ve been meeting the wrong ones. The world we live in is wired this way.
      The guy I’m going out with asked me out on a date, even when i couldn’t make it we kept communication and we never discussed anything concerning sex. we talked about life and lots more.
      If you meet someone and the person doesn’t meet up to what u’re expecting what do you do? no be to waka and keep an open minded that u’ll meet your match.

  5. Ringlana
    June 01, 06:39 Reply

    Bravo as if ,his a faithful niccur,abeg outdoor service is allowed..

  6. Andy blueheart
    June 01, 07:22 Reply

    I don’t fully agree that the promiscuous ones give us a bad name only because as everyone has their opinion so do they have their preference but looking at it from my own point of view (I like a closed relationship), I think people should not want to eat every fish in the water. You want to Piom Piom Piom, fine, do you, but borrow brain if you don’t have it because it gets to a point that tells you too much of everything isn’t good.

    Btw, it’s true that promiscuisty is one term that is attached with being gay, and it’s because of the different experiences people have had with people who also had different experiences but then let it change them. Most relationships end because of promiscuisty and that tends to give the bad name that the writer is talking about.

    And we should also respect each other’s opinion atleast to a considerable level before we start throwing off our wigs and shoes all in the name of “I don’t support it” and “i want to throw shade”.

    • Dennis Macaulay
      June 01, 07:33 Reply

      Oga every aboki with him kettle; your own may be blue, my own white. Face front and don’t ask me why my kettle is different from yours.

      I would think this is a subject that gay men would get easily, seeing as society judges them for being different. You see how we are no different from the people we complain about?

      • Andy blueheart
        June 01, 09:09 Reply

        And that’s how this one comes for me…
        Your opinion doesn’t add kobo into my account, I said my piece, you have said yours. Opinions differ that’s why it is called OPINION.

        And I’m not bothered about the color of your kettle.. Nna..

      • Truth
        June 01, 11:38 Reply

        Says the person who was cheated on and almost went crazy for it in his weekly rants.

          • Keredim
            June 01, 12:33 Reply

            Do you have a weekly series, @Andy Blueheart??

            • Andy blueheart
              June 01, 14:41 Reply

              Lol.. I don’t have any weekly series..
              I’m new here so I don’t really know how the reply option works.. I just had to ask..

  7. ambivalentone
    June 01, 08:03 Reply

    #sigh Is this gonna be a sequel to yesterday’s story? Cheating and promuiscuity is all fun and games until u catch feelings and u r cheated on (or worse) and then u realise it ain’t nice. Well done ndi KD

  8. bruno
    June 01, 08:14 Reply

    I think the article is unnecessarily judgmental and wrongly links homophobia to the amount of sex gay people are having. homophobes hate you whether you are having sex with with only your boyfriend once a year or with twenty men twenty times a year.

    that said I don’t think it’s a good thing that an overwhelming majority of us seem to default to sex.

    “you wanna be friends? sure cool. now what’s your role?”

    “you want to talk about gay rights? I do too! right after we have sex”

    “you have a boyfriend! aww that’s so lovely. I have one too. now let’s kiss”

    it’s kinda frustrating.

    also, a lot of guys cannot stay faithful in a relationship. cheating is literally synonymous with gay relationships (straight ones too, I know but let’s focus here).

    being cheated on when you’ve been faithful and trusting is very damaging. the only people who think it’s no big deal are those who cheat themselves.

    • Pink Panther
      June 01, 09:09 Reply

      “you wanna be friends? sure cool. now what’s your role?”

      “you want to talk about gay rights? I do too! right after we have sex”

      “you have a boyfriend! aww that’s so lovely. I have one too. now let’s kiss”

      ?? ??

  9. #Chestnut
    June 01, 09:11 Reply

    Basically, (almost) everybody is saying that people should have the right to be promiscuous if they want to; that’s their prerogative… *sigh* I don’t even know what is right or wrong or politically correct anymore. what I do know sha, is how the issue affects me personally : I wish I could find a boyfriend who isn’t promiscuous, but it’s so hard, cos many ppl feel that since everybody must not be “moral”,it’s not a big deal to have extra-relationship sex (it is, to me though… d tin dey pain me die whenever I find out!).

    • DI-NAVY
      June 01, 09:45 Reply

      Finding someone who isn’t promiscuous aint that hard, it’s simple tho, but keeping such commitment is the hard part.

    • Pink Panther
      June 01, 10:13 Reply

      This isn’t about being politically correct, Chestie 😀
      The point here is that whatever your opinion on promiscuity and the gay community, it’s so important to keep an open mind about how other people live their life. This article starts off by saying cheating is wrong. And then the point gets muddled into a debate about morals and monogamy. One should focus on himself and not worry about how other people live their lives. If it doesn’t directly affect you, why not let them have their fun?

  10. Kenny
    June 01, 09:22 Reply

    *Reads post, hisses and leaves post never to return to it*

  11. Jon Snow
    June 01, 09:38 Reply

    Cheating is all fun and games till you realise you’re the one being played. For those justifying promiscuity, hope your narrative will not change to scream betrayal when your partner goes about sowing wild seeds…

    if you’re in a relationship, stay commited or take a walk if you can’t stay. Stop trying to burn both ends of the candle.

    • Keredim
      June 01, 09:43 Reply

      Dude, i don’t think anyone is “justifying promiscuity”

      I am just saying, be happy and content with whatever type of relationship you are in, and don’t lecture others about how idyllic and better than others, your relationship is.

    • Pink Panther
      June 01, 09:49 Reply

      Jon Snow, no one is supporting promiscuity. There is sleeping around and there is betrayal. Those two shouldn’t be mixed. The fact that I advocate for a freedom of people to live sexual lives that are unattached doesn’t mean I endorse those in committed relationships cheating on their boyfriends. That’s a distinction that tends to get blurred, sorta like Chuck hounding Peak’s question about 100% honesty in marriage as an endorsement of cheating. 😀

      • Keredim
        June 01, 09:53 Reply

        …and there you go “poking the bear” needlessly…

        • Pink Panther
          June 01, 09:56 Reply

          I don’t know what you’re talking about. 😀

          • Keredim
            June 01, 10:09 Reply

            Why are you walking away?

            Stay now. Let him come and go all ” The Revenant” over your arse.

            • Pink Panther
              June 01, 10:14 Reply

              Who says I can’t look for trouble and still run away before wahala wakes up? 😀

  12. Dubem
    June 01, 10:05 Reply

    We’ve heard it all before – the moral outcry from some members of the gay community who claim promiscuity gives all gay men a bad rep. But when does that become slut shaming? When does one person’s right to sleep with whomever they want start to affect the rest of us?
    The answer? It doesn’t.
    Or at least, it shouldn’t if you don’t let it.
    When you actually hear someone typecast the whole of the gay community for being promiscuous, tell them they’re wrong.
    Tell them that you personally might not think open relationships are for you, but that you don’t judge other couples for doing it.
    But when you make a judgment about someone else’s relationship or how many people they choose to sleep with, this form of slut shaming within our own community only adds to the division and derision.

  13. Khaleesi
    June 01, 11:15 Reply

    mtchwwwww ….. a meaningless rant driven by boredom and lack of purpose …. hisss

  14. Dennis Macaulay
    June 01, 15:38 Reply

    We do realize that there are open relationships right? That’s actually a real thing! Who are you to say that they are not valid?

  15. Ruby
    June 01, 19:16 Reply

    I understand perfectly where you are coming from.
    I’ve been in a relationship for 5 years n I’ve lost count of how many people have hit on my boo and still are till date even when they are fully aware that he’s off the “market”.
    Its really saddening and heart breaking as it does more damage to us rather than aid in our fight.
    I used to be bothered @ first but now, I’m way over that.
    To each his own *if them break your head, na your own wahala be that* *but if I catch you with my own… Frying pan na it get your face*

  16. Delle
    June 01, 19:28 Reply

    I’m all for monogamy but the truth is I’m done fretting about the whole promiscuity thing. This involves a coming together of two men– horny, full-fledged, blood-filled men. What do you expect? Unlike the female folk, men do not know how to keep their sexual urges in check most of the time. Promiscuity and cheating is bound to happen at one time or the other.
    Having said this, all I know is: You can do whatever you want to do, God help you to be smart enough to know about the importance of safe sex, but do not let me know about it.
    I’ve conditioned myself to the fact that most guys do not know how to feed from one plate of food consistently, and although it aches, it doesn’t define my relationship. Just don’t let me find out you’re cheating on me, shikena.

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