THE MYSTERIOUS CASE OF CHICHI

THE MYSTERIOUS CASE OF CHICHI

There is a knock on the door.

Chichi: Come in! The door is open.

Door opens and Pastor Iyke walks in.

Pastor Iyke: Hello, Chichi!

Chichi: Hey!

Chichi gets up and walks up to meet the pastor at the door.

Chichi: Pastor, welcome. I was surprised when I saw your call this morning.

Pastor Iyke: Yes, my dear. Don’t be. The Lord works in mysterious way!

He laughs.

Chichi: Oh that’s true, Pastor. But I hope there is no problem? I expect you to be very busy on Sunday mornings, preparing to bring down the blessings of God, as you always do. That’s why this visit is still surprising me. Is there something? Has the Lord spoken to you about me?

Pastor Iyke: Ha, yes! The Lord always speaks to me concerning all his children in my fold. There is always a word for every season.

Chichi: Oh! So what did He say?

Pastor Iyke: Oh…um…er… He said I should tell you that He is very happy with you at the moment and He rejoices over you because of your dedication in church.

Chichi: Really?

Pastor Iyke: Yes indeed! Since you moved to Owerri from Lagos six months ago, and then started attending our church, you have been very active in church. You are an active member of the choir and have become one of the lead vocals, and you never miss any church meeting. Surprising that in spite of your tight schedule of your new job, you are never late for service! The Lord says He will bless you!

Chichi: Amen! Thank you, Pastor.

Pastor Iyke: The Lord says your life is currently like a sweet-smelling sacrifice upon his altar!

Chichi: (raises palms heavenward) Oh thank you, Jesus! You Who has seen all my hard work and love for You!

Pastor Iyke: Yes, He has indeed. You know, for a beautiful career girl like you to be this dedicated in church, it’s an example for the younger ones. But how do you do it? You are always so beautiful and charming!

Chichi: Really? It’s the Grace of God, sir.

Pastor Iyke: We bless God.

Chichi: Thank you so much for coming, sir. I’m so refreshed. I’m sure you will be in a hurry to go back to church? Service starts in an hour.

Pastor Iyke: Yes, my daughter. But before I go, there is something else I need to tell you.

Chichi: Another revelation?

Pastor Iyke: (gives nervous chuckle) Something like that. You see, Chichi… (shifts closer to her on the sofa) From the very first day I set eyes on you, I knew there was something special about you.

Chichi: Really?

Pastor Iyke: Yes. (takes her hand in his) And I like you very much.

Chichi: (looks apprehensive) Okay?

Pastor Iyke: Don’t be scared. I like you in a very good way. And I have been thinking a lot about you. Throughout the night, I couldn’t sleep because I was thinking about you. That is why I decided to come here this morning and settle this once and for all.

Chichi: I don’t understand, Pastor.

Pastor Iyke: I love you, Chichi. And I want you to be mine.

He tries to touch her cheek, but she pushes his hand away and moves away from him. She gives him a cross look.

Chichi: Pastor, have you forgotten that you are a man of God and that you are married? Also remember that you are my pastor. My pastor! This can never happen.

Pastor Iyke goes on his knees before her.

Pastor Iyke: Please, Chichi! Please, I need you so bad! If i don’t touch you this morning, I am going to run mad!

He reaches his hands up to touch her face again. Chichi smacks his hands off and gets up. Angrily, she stalks to the window. Pastor Iyke gets up and follows after her.

Pastor Iyke: Chichi, where are you going to? Please, Chichi…

Chichi stands by the window, looking out, with her back to him. Her shoulders are tense with evident anger. And then, in a moment, the anger appears to break, and her shoulders relax. She turns to face the pastor with a small smile.

Chichi: Alright, Pastor. I will give you what you want.

Pastor Iyke: Wow, you are such a darling!

He grabs at her and puts his hands around her waist. She lets him.

Chichi: First, let’s play a game.

Pastor Iyke: Wow! Sounds sexy! I’m all yours, baby!

Chichi: I want plenty things from you, Pastor.

Pastor Iyke: My darling, just name it.

Chichi: I want your shirt, Pastor.

Pastor Iyke: Ooooh! You can have it.

He quickly sheds his shirt and gives it to her. Chichi collects it and turns, to sashay off into the kitchen.

Pastor Iyke: Where are you going?

Chichi: Oh relax, Pastor. You are going to enjoy this.

Moments later, she walks back into the parlour.

Chichi: (bats eyelids) Baby pastor!

Pastor Iyke: Yes, Chichi-baby!

Chichi: I like your trousers and your singlet. Can I have them?

Pastor Iyke: Of course!

He quickly pulls his shoes off and takes off his trousers and hands it over. As she gathers the cloth in her hand, he wrestles his singlet off him and hands it over too. Pastor Iyke is now wearing nothing but his tight boxer briefs through which his hard-on is obvious. Chichi sashays out of the room again and returns moments later empty-handed.

Chichi: Kai! Pastor, you go show me pepper today!

Pastor Iyke: Alright come over, let’s finish this game.

Chichi walks sexily to the sofa, where Pastor Iyke is now sitting. She climbs atop him and straddles him. He grabs her waist and tries to kiss her. She quickly tilts her head to the side, so he misses her mouth and rather plants a kiss on her cheek.

He pauses and sniffs the air.

Pastor Iyke: Something is smelling, like it’s burning. Were you cooking, Chichi?

Chichi: Pastor, will you concentrate?

She grabs his right hand and pushes it under her skirt. Pastor gropes in there for a bit, freezes and suddenly shrieks, pushing her away as he recoils. Chichi topples to the ground, and gets up slowly with a smirk on her face, whereas Pastor Iyke is hastening to his feet and shouting at her, a shocked expression on his face.

Pastor Iyke: Oh my God! Jesus!

Chichi: (speaks in a startlingly deep voice) What’s the matter, Pastor?

Pastor Iyke: You have a dick! Jeezuzkraist! You have a dick! You are – are you a guy?

Chichi: (laughs mockingly) Oh no, Pastor! I’m a girl. The same sweet Chichi you have always loved. I’m a beautiful, career girl trapped in a man’s body.

Pastor Iyke: (shock and anger distorts his face) You disgusting pig! Oh my God! I should have known! You are disgusting! So you are a man! Do I look like I’m gay to you?

Chichi: (eyes flashing) Abeg, abeg, abeg! Yeye man! Na me call you come my house this early Sunday morning? When you should be preparing for service, you are instead going to a single lady’s house to give revelation. Shame on you!

Pastor Iyke: Single lady, ke? Don’t deceive yourself. You are a man! And you are going to hell for this! The hammer of God’s judgement is firm against all homosexuals and people like you.

Chichi: (gives a longer mocking laugh) If that came from you, fully-suited upon the altar, you would have struck terror in my heart. But coming from you, a pastor, who is wearing nothing but his shame and boxers, simply because you left the preparation for service on a Sunday morning to go and have sex with a choir member, it sounds like a joke!

There comes a knock on door. Chichi’s voice instantly melts, transforming to a feminine pitch as she calls out tearfully.

Chichi: Please come in! The door is open!

Pastor Iyke looks to the door, confused. Then he grabs for a sheet cover himself with. Before he can achieve that, the door swings open and his wife walks in.

Pastor’s Wife: AIKAAAY! OH HO!

She claps thrice and walks menacingly towards him. Chichi begins to sob quietly, moving into position behind her.

Chichi: I’m sorry, ma. When I saw what he was trying to do, I had to send that text.

She begins to sob even louder.

Pastor Iyke: What text? What is going on here?

Chichi: (sobbing) When I went into the other room, I sent your wife a text so that she can come and prevent you from committing this terrible sin!

Pastor’s Wife: So you said you had to run to the church early to spend some time interceding before service. Is this the intercession, eh? (slaps him)

Pastor Iyke: (clutching his burning cheek) Darling! It’s not what you think! Nothing happened here!

Pastor’s Wife: So nothing is what you were doing naked, eh? (slaps him again) You shameless man! So, this is how you have being having sex with the young girls in choir, abi? I have been hearing about your story, but I wanted hard evidence. Now God has exposed you using this good girl you tried to lead astray –

Pastor Iyke: She – oh my God, I mean, he! He is not a girl!

Pastor’s Wife: Oh, really?! So because I caught you, she has changed into a man, eh? (slaps him a third time)

Pastor Iyke: No! I’m serious! I checked – (interrupted by yet another slap)

Pastor’s Wife: You checked, abi? While you were busy doing nothing, eh? Foolish man! Oya let’s go! The church elders will hear about this!

As the drama was unfolding, Chichi had entered into the other room. She returns now with Pastor Iyke’s clothes now burnt in several places. She throws the ruined clothes at him.

Pastor Iyke: Mad girl – I mean, mad man! What did you do to my clothes?

Chichi: I plugged my two irons and placed them on the clothes while you were busy trying to rape me!

Pastor Iyke: You are mad!

Pastor’s Wife: Shut up! It is you that is mad! Now wear those clothes as they are and let us go!

Pastor Iyke puts on his trousers and a triangular hole on the backside reveals his boxers. Chichi giggles. Infuriated, he suddenly whirls around and punches Chichi. Inflamed by his attack on her fellow woman, his wife grabs him and rakes her right fingernails across his face. He shrieks and staggers back. She pushes him to the floor and starts pummelling him. Chichi joins her and they start beating him. He wrangles free from the attack and runs out of the door, with his wife in pursuit and Chichi’s mocking laugh following after.

THE END

Written by Sensei

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  1. Kenny
    December 21, 06:11 Reply

    LMAO. He got what he deserved and some more

  2. ken
    December 21, 06:20 Reply

    Looool…nice one sensei! bravo!

    But in real nigerian life u will be surprised how the tables will turn against chichi. This just reminds me of Ese Walter’s case. Nigerians are gullible religious bigots who often will fight to protect “pastor or papa” no matter his attrocities. I remember wen oyedepo slapped a lady for being a witch. Still the congregation supported him. Reverend king’s church members still visit him in prison. Every body blamed Ese for “allowing herself to be used as the devils vessel”, meanwhile the man that chased her from naija to london was named a hero!

    • Pink Panther
      December 21, 06:25 Reply

      It’s disgusting, this worship of men of God that eschews the actual supreme Being Who should be worshiped.

  3. Dennis Macaulay
    December 21, 06:50 Reply

    Hahahahahahahahaah

    I was wondering who wrote this!

    Sensei? You kwa? Chai!

    This was hilarious

    • Pink Panther
      December 21, 07:17 Reply

      Oh you have no idea. The guy’s not such a serious lecturer-type fuddy duddy. He’s got several shades of a clown in him. I laughed so hard when I first read this.

      • Dennis Macaulay
        December 21, 07:19 Reply

        Assin eh!

        With all those plenty oyibo articles, I won’t have suspected he could pen this

        • Jon Snow
          December 21, 08:34 Reply

          My dear, if you find this one surprising…then you know nothing about the real Sensei. 😂😂😂😂

  4. Santa Diaba
    December 21, 08:13 Reply

    Situations like this are exactly the reason I removed myself from church activities. I found out, in 3 different churches I attended that the people I looked up to spiritually are nothing but hypocrites, whereas I was there killing myself with guilt because of my sexual orientation.

    • Mandy
      December 21, 08:24 Reply

      Three different churches. LOL. You were really in search of spiritual guidance sha. And all the ‘Daddys’ just kept disappointing you, eh? Chai!

    • ken
      December 21, 09:48 Reply

      Are u by any chance Igbo? Lol

      • Colossus
        December 21, 10:09 Reply

        Here you go with the Igbo quip. Is he says he is, you’ll say you’ve been right that igbos got internalised homophobia.

  5. Mandy
    December 21, 08:20 Reply

    I was reading this same story on another more mainstream blog, and in the comments section, a female commenter started her comment with: ‘I want to believe she went to wear a dildo…”
    I wan laugh die. In spite of the fact that the transgender theme of the story was clear, here was a Nigerian woman prefering to be in denial and enjoy the story only with the belief that Chichi is a man-made girl. lol

    • Colossus
      December 21, 08:42 Reply

      Hello Mandy, I still got my Sherlock Holmes mind on you, just a matter or time.

  6. #Chestnut
    December 21, 08:29 Reply

    Hahaha! Sensei,u’re so wrong for dis! Lmao

  7. Jon Snow
    December 21, 08:31 Reply

    Hahahahahhahahahahahahahha
    ?????????

  8. Jon Snow
    December 21, 08:39 Reply

    Nice entry, boo of life Sensei ????

  9. Colossus
    December 21, 08:41 Reply

    “I have been hearing about your story, but I wanted HARD evidence”. LMAO
    Oh if only she knew how Hard an evidence chichi got, she’ll faint.
    Very good one sensei, really hilarious. A great way to start a Monday morning.

  10. Maximus
    December 21, 08:44 Reply

    Oh No!!??? The Jesus freaks aren’t gonna be very happy about this

  11. Delle
    December 21, 09:03 Reply

    Haahahaha! Shaiize Sensei, you cracked me up real good with this beautiful piece.
    Some pastors though, they can ‘mumu’ for Africa. How would you have sex an hour before mounting the pulpit? The thunder that would strike such a man is coming back from the gym!

  12. Mitch
    December 21, 09:24 Reply

    Officially Sensei is my hero of the year. If one can make
    me laugh, think and grow more mature, he deserves to be my hero. Good one Sensei.

  13. Teflondon
    December 21, 09:42 Reply

    Hilarious!
    Best post of the year?
    Probably.
    Enjoyed every bit of it. Even though we know the host of KD Anti-christs will see this as an oppurtunity to further ridicule the Christain religion but ignored they shall be.

  14. Chizzie
    December 21, 10:08 Reply

    Loool. I actually genuinely LOL-ed. This is precisely what I mean by putting your imagination to good use. Dennis and Vhar, see what your mates are doing

  15. Khaleesi
    December 21, 11:20 Reply

    Hahahhahahahahahaaa … OMG!!! I laughed so hard!! this is damn good comedy!!

  16. Keredim
    December 21, 11:36 Reply

    Simple, succint and funny

    ????????????????????????????????????

  17. Brian Collins
    December 21, 20:24 Reply

    Chizzie will not just laff and go. He has to tarnish everything with his pettiness. Iranu

  18. GAG
    December 22, 14:01 Reply

    Nice!! I laughed really hard at the revelation. Pls visit justgagging.blogspot.com

    • Pink Panther
      December 22, 23:25 Reply

      Oh wow. I just visited. My oh my. You’ve got quite a content. Lol

  19. Wealth
    December 23, 00:53 Reply

    I agree with you. It made me high

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