Hello, my name is Dennis and I do not like straight people.

There. I said it.

No, this is not my article about “heterophobia”; I still need to properly articulate my thoughts on that. However I need to create some insight with this piece. If you know me well enough, you will know that I am fiercely protective of my mental space and I am actively committed to keeping homophobia far from me. At work, where I have to interact with homophobic people, I keep our contact to the barest minimum (headphones are a lifesaver). I do have straight friends; however, I do not have any straight friend who does not know I’m gay and whom I cannot be open with about my experiences. And that, my dears, is the crux of this article.

I belong in a WhatsApp group with some of the smartest and most progressive Nigerians. But these people, while being “allies” (insert eye roll emoji) are often quite problematic. We were recently discussing the issue of Jack Dorsey, CEO of Twitter and his subtle endorsement of Chick-fil-A, a company that actively funds LGBT hate groups and makes no pretenses about it. Someone brought this issue up in the Whatsapp group, and one such progressive “ally” whom I respect so much went on to say, “This is political correctness gone too far. A company does not have to be punished for the opinions and politics of its CEO. Let’s be careful lest we become the oppressors.” This of course made me laugh, as it did not come as a surprise to me. I wanted to debate this point with him but I just let out a deep homosexual sigh and moved on.

Here is the thing; we always talk about how racism, misogyny and homophobia are built on the same nuances. However, the world (or most of it) is always swift in its condemnation of the first two, but once it comes to the last one, there is a lot of pussy-footing. People begin to look for context and they never really take a stand. Stacey Dash’s career has all but tanked due to her embrace and endorsement of Donald Trump and his racist policies. A lot of people I know canceled Kanye West because of his problematic comments on race. The Harvey Weinstein scandal unleashed a storm that has men in Hollywood ducking from even the faintest tar of sexism.

But once it comes to LGBT rights, you begin to hear phrases like “different world views”, “engage with the other side”, nyeh, nyeh, nyeh. Miss me with all that bullshit.

I remember one day, in the group, we were bantering about literature and some nice girl made a well-meaning comment; she said she was interested in initiatives to rid the society of vices like cultism, militancy, prostitution (I unlooked this) and homosexuality/lesbianism. I jumped in at that point and asked her why she thought that homosexuality and lesbianism were vices, and she spewed the usual crap religitards typically spew about Adam and Steve. Now, what was surprising also was how my fellow “lefties” did not outrightly condemn her; in fact, many were asking me to back off, that I was attacking her over her opinions. One person (who I haven’t spoken to since then anyway) then said: “Why must everybody support LGBT rights? People should be entitled to their beliefs, especially if it is rooted in their faith.”

This both saddened and angered me, because these people who you would typically call progressive allies were playing ostrich-in-sand. A few times I have been with them and someone said something misogynistic, he (it is usually a man, duh) was eviscerated and gutted universally. So they get the need for feminism. Many of them were also outraged at Kanye West implying that slavery was a choice; in fact, if Chick-Fil-A had ties to neo-Nazi or white supremacist groups, they would understand it and it would not be an issue of political correctness. But once it comes to LGBT rights, people begin to look for context and nuance and both sides of the coin, and begin to talk about how not everyone will get it and how people should be allowed to evolve on their own.

In this group, we are often open to talk about sex and all that; we listen whenever the guys talk about boobs and vagina and which girl they slammed. We also listen whenever the girls talk about who gave them head and what kind of orgasm they had. However, once we (there are a few of us who are gay in the group) bring up our sexcapades, either we are dismissed with “OMG, you people are such hoes” and they move on to something else, or everybody pretends not to notice the topic. It is almost laughable the way it happens every damn time, like clockwork; one day, I called out their bullshit and told all of them how I felt about this subtle discrimination.

But in reality, I am never surprised by this. I have grown accustomed to this sort of behavior from straight people. I even remember the day I asked the women in the group if they would date and/or marry a bisexual man who tells then upfront about his sexuality and who would not cheat on them. Nearly all of them said they would not do so, and it got me thinking: despite being progressive and all, deep down, these people are still mostly repulsed at the thought of two men being together.

In light of this, I am therefore always amused when I see gay men (I have most of my experiences with gay men, so please this is not an attempt to erase LBTQ people) who tell me how they do not have gay friends and how they take active steps to stay away from other gay people. Let me not even talk about those ones who announce in very elaborate ways how all their friends are straight.

Listen let me tell you the bitter truth: STRAIGHT PEOPLE ARE NOT TO BE TRUSTED.

Yes, there are a few good ones (what is this? “Not all straights” FC lol), but for me, your default position should be “distrust unless proven otherwise”. And believe me when I say that over 90% of them will fail the bullshit test. I don’t even want to talk about the straight women who keep you around solely so you can tell them what dress to wear to dinner (as if we all are Tom Ford), or those who expect you to teach them how to give head because you are apparently the blow job whisperer. Yet these same women do not often have qualms with dating homophobic men. Again, miss me with that bullshit.

I know many of you will quickly jump to remind me that many LGBT people are also problematic and quite a lot of them stew in internalized homophobia – and yes, I would agree with you. But why not seek out those LGBT individuals who will motivate you, inspire you and with whom you feel most at peace with yourself. Why surround yourself with people who treat you like a charity case, people with whom you have to demand validity from every single time, people who can actually defend those who seek to put you down based just on who you love.

Can never be me, Dennis. I do not trust straight people. I have seen very “progressive” straight men throw fits on Facebook because some guy hit on them, which is funny because women DM me steadily on Instagram and twitter and I haven’t gone online to curse and warn them.

Like I said earlier; my name is Dennis and I do not like straight people.



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  1. Francis
    June 14, 06:27 Reply

    Straight people are not to be trusted until proven otherwise. Thank you. Even the one I thought had sense sef, make one comment that had me feeling some type of way recently.

  2. F. Baby
    June 14, 07:42 Reply

    It’s just funny how they call themselves “progressive” but in actual truth are stagnant if not regressive. Dennis this thing is something I have noticed even amongst the new generation of woke people. They’re all for feminism, black lives matter etc. But mention LGBTQI matters and everyone carries face one side. At the end, we are all we’ve got. It’s just us so the sooner we begin to stick together, the better. Amazing piece Dennis. Come let me sit on your face?

  3. Johnny
    June 14, 07:46 Reply

    Dennis I love you for this. I owe you my boy pussy on this.

  4. Bee
    June 14, 07:47 Reply


  5. Ria
    June 14, 08:14 Reply

    Bless you Dennis ????????. I felt this deep in my soul. Straight people. Tueh!!! ?. They all deserve to be watched carefully with some serious side eye action ?. Be disappointing you left and right just when you think they have an iota of sense. Mtchew.

  6. Canis VY Majoris
    June 14, 08:48 Reply

    I distrust all straight people, always have and always will.

    Whenever I’m in their midst, having bants and laughter, my Underwood spirit kicks in and the frame freezes with me saying out loud “You may think we’re friends, but we’re not, I hate you and your privileges; worthless scumbags”.

    Frame unfreezes: “LMAO, you’re such amazing people” ?

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