Dear KD: I Love “Love” But I Do Not Know How To Get It

Dear KD: I Love “Love” But I Do Not Know How To Get It

I have been in 3 relationships, so to speak.

The first was between 2012/2013. I was 19 years old then, and he was an older man. It was an abusive relationship, not physically, just verbal. He was often dictatorial and domineering, and often interacted with me like he could never trust me. Which was bewildering because I’d never done anything to warrant his distrust. After a few months, I called it quits.

The second relationship was a bore. But I was patient. The sex was good, but that was just about the only good thing about the relationship. He liked to keep things to himself and would not let me in on anything going on in his life. I didn’t like feeling like a stranger to the guy I was supposed to be the closest to. Eventually, there was only so much I could bear and that ended.

Then I was single for a long time, salving my sex life with masturbation and casual hookups. And it was going well for me.

And then, after my service year, I met a guy. He was smart and charming, and I thought he was going to be another something casual. But he wanted us to be in a relationship. He asked me out. I said yes. But then, that went very bad very quickly. Whenever I left his place, there was always someone coming in, and whenever I was arriving, there was someone leaving. I was stupid; even when I was lying and doing a poor job of covering his tracks, I kept being a fool. I couldn’t believe I was in a third relationship that was failing. It was all such a mess.

So now I have a problem with trusting guys. Which is distressing for me, because I do want to know the love of a guy. The steady, trusting, committed love of a guy. I have friends in blossoming relationships and I wonder why I can’t have what they have. Why I haven’t been able to meet a genuine person out there. I have been put in this frame of mind where every guy I meet who quickly begins to say “I love you” gets me thinking they really mean “I’d love to have sex with you”.

I am depressed and lonely. And I don’t know what to do about being in this state of mind where I want something and yet I do not know when to trust it.

Please, I need advice.

Warm Regards,


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  1. Johnny
    September 04, 08:51 Reply

    Honey, you ain’t the only one feeling this way. I was there and I don’t want to be there no more. I love you now is like I want to fuck you to me. Good person will come by one day but have fun before they do, you might be in another cage when they come. Not telling you to be hoe. Sex now even disgusts me, earning my cash gives me orgasm.

  2. Francis
    September 04, 11:34 Reply

    You could try being good friends with them first for a while before deciding if they are worth relationship things or not

    • Kioya
      September 04, 15:39 Reply

      Yea, I think that would work. But then I have some really good and nice friends that relationship is not in their radar

  3. DeadlyDarius
    September 04, 13:46 Reply

    Reaching out to people including mental health professionals will set you on the path to healing.

    You’ve started on that journey. I hope it ends well for you.

    • Kioya
      September 04, 15:40 Reply

      I’m perfectly okay but the feeling of loneliness…

      • toke
        October 28, 23:50 Reply

        I m suffering from the same thing as u…… I hv watched a lot of American gay sequels and fantasized about HVING my own happily ever after…… d most annoying thing is… I keep falling from straight guys….

        hola me @

        let’s hv a chat

        would have given you my number… but that wud b too presumptuous

  4. Patrick
    September 04, 16:01 Reply

    You shouldn’t be depressed.
    Everyone eventually gets their fair share of heartbreaks!
    So enjoy singlehood, and focus on career!
    For a gay man in this clime, very few things are as important as a successful career.

  5. J
    September 04, 23:30 Reply

    Hi Kioya, you’re not alone. I need a good relationship too, but it hasn’t been easy seriously … Let’s be friends please. I would like to hear from you, get my email from Pink Panther.

    • Kioya
      September 05, 17:53 Reply

      Okay J, I’ll reach out.

    • Kioya
      September 05, 18:04 Reply

      Okay, I’ll reach out.

  6. Black Dynasty
    September 05, 06:52 Reply

    Folks tend to confuse lust for love, and jump into relationships without first clarifying if they are compatible to start a relationship with.

    Take the time to go on dates and spend time getting to know the guy before deciding if you want to be in a relationship. The ones looking to just fuck whilst pretending they want more will expose themselves soon enough.

    Until you meet someone interested in going down that path of commitment, enjoy yourself, work on you and learn to be happy as an individual. Looking to a relationship to fill any void of unhappiness is usually not a good idea.

    • Mike Daemon
      September 05, 07:33 Reply

      I completely agree with you on this. And then again please, while you are waiting, make sure you do not destroy yourself on the process. In my experience nobody wants to settle with damaged goods. Also, you need to check yourself to see if there is anything you need to work on. Most people won’t tell you why they are running away and treating you they treat you. However I am not making excuses for anyone.

    • Kioya
      September 05, 18:02 Reply

      Thank you. I am Focusing on my career. That’s my best distraction at the moment.

  7. Peaches
    September 05, 14:04 Reply

    Funny how I relate to this story in whatever ways possible. Three relationships that left me angry, self-conscious and impatient. I relapsed into the worst kind of depression (love not being the only reason here). I had so much venom that I felt the need to leave a deep slash across people’s faces for wasting my time most times (its only in my head anyway). But I learnt to forgive and let go. I learnt to channel my loneliness to doing things I liked ( writing, housechores, and helping anybody who needs help). Years have rolled by with this routine, so have ‘trials and errors’ but my life’s not on hold looking for just one thing. So just be you, and be busy, soon enough you might even be too busy to fall in love for the wrong reasons.

  8. Gaia
    September 06, 09:47 Reply

    Don’t give up on love. It is in trying that you’d find the real thing… but don’t let this be your first priority in life.

    This your name Kioya. Is it a short for Ehikioya? I’m just being inquisitive.

  9. Ziel
    September 06, 22:05 Reply

    Dear Kioya,
    So sad hearing your ordeal. I for one have had somewhat similar experiences in my previous relationships, but I’ve now come to an understanding that most of my “rainbow” friends are best suited for me to date. The challenge here is that I’ve come to accept them as my best friends and I see some as even my non-blood brothers.
    If I may ask, have you sat down one on one and have a candid conversation with one of these your friends you’ve seen a possibility in him of going into a committed relationship with you? You could be surprised to find out that one of them have had such thought but scared of confronting you with such a true genuine commitment.
    Please don’t give up on love, I can bet you that true love will find you sooner than you expect. Meanwhile enjoy being single and don’t loose guard.

    • Kioya
      September 07, 08:27 Reply

      #deep thought.

      You really have a point you know

      But then, Why do I feel like I know you and you are one of those my “non-blood brother”??

      • Ziel
        September 07, 21:31 Reply

        There’s a possibility we could know ourselves, after all the rainbow circle is a small one.

  10. Streetcar
    September 09, 13:32 Reply

    I’ve been in your shoes. No, I am in your shoes. Heck, I just left me third relationship now which was emotionally draining. I feel like I’ve got a lot of love to give, but I’ve kept meeting people that can’t give it back. It’s okay. I’m done for now. Right now I’m going to focus on myself, being comfortable with and by myself, and building my career. I’m a young man in my mid-twenties and I’ve got a lot of life to live.

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