THE DAY THE EARTH STOOD STILL

THE DAY THE EARTH STOOD STILL

At eighteen, I wasn’t so different from other boys my age, and then again I was. I had a guilty pleasure: Fat Boys. Cute or not, as long as they had extra meat on their body, I got attracted. Sexually attracted. I had seen a fair share of porn in my day, but I always imagined watching a fat guy doing it. And when my first opportunity to use Google arrived, the first thing I searched for was “fat man having sex”. I never identified as gay or bi then, but I couldn’t resist the sight of a (naked) chubby male and I often planned my bathing schedule to clash with that of the “big” boys in my school hostel.

The year was 2013, and ASUU had given us an early Christmas break in July. Hostile boredom followed suit but solace came in the form of my phone. On one dreary afternoon, in an attempt to “man-up”, I strolled into the ‘Men’s Lounge’ on 2go. Truth be told, there were very few ‘men’ on it, mostly horny boys looking for a quick-fix here and there. Sadly, I was one of them.

Before long, I came up to speed about how ‘men’ were ‘lounging’ and I placed my all-too familiar ad: “Fat or Chubby guys in Lagos, add me.” Minutes flew by but my hook wasn’t attracting any fish; it seemed only to reel in frustration. I decided to quit the app, but as my thumb nuzzled around the cancel button, “Bigwizzy1000 joined”. As a chaser, a chub chaser, an admirer of the big and beautiful men, the word “Big” got me curious. I sent a friend request and after a few seconds he accepted and appeared on my friends list. What followed next was very concise.

“Hi.”

“Hello.”

“Are you fat?”

“Yes.”

Things were looking bright. We quickly skipped through the necessary formalities although I had to peruse his Facebook to ascertain his credibility. I met him via 2go on Thursday and Friday morning he was on a bus heading to my house. He hinted to me that I would have to pay give him his transport fare back home. I didn’t mind. I just wanted to explore all my fantasies. He called me when he arrived at my bus stop and I went to pick him up. He looked slightly different from his Facebook pics but it was the same guy. Was he cute? No, not really. Was he drop-dead-gorgeous? No, not really. Did our conversation feature any trace of a relationship beyond sex? No, not really. But, was he fat? HELL YEAH! As soon as I saw him in his brown shirt and blue jeans, my eyes zoomed in, target locked down. He was about 5’7, and had a thick head on top of an equally thick neck. He had a robust stature with a huge chest, a pot belly, and thick thighs, just the way I like them.

We shook hands, exchanged pleasantries and I led him, like a lamb unto slaughter, to my house, enjoying the occasional view of his massive rear end. A few minutes after greeting the family, I was doing things to him that I didn’t even know I could. We hurriedly got naked, kissing, fondling, sucking and what not. I’d told him earlier on that I wasn’t ready for sex but was cool with everything else, but in the heat of the moment, he parted his massive ass cheeks and said, “Fuck me.” I didn’t. Instead, I proceeded to dry-hump him. It turned out to be a very bad idea as we had no lube and it felt like jerking off with sandpaper. After the session, I gave him his fare back home and he left. We met again on two separate occasions, each encounter concluding with the transport fare ritual.

I ended any physical relationship with Bigwizzy1000 after our third encounter. He had met my family on some of his visits and soon started asking about their ‘availability’. He wanted to, in his words, “be friends with my sister”, and he kept telling me my brother was ‘cute’. I knew this was a recipe for disaster as he’d once intimated me that he was bisexual. I told him straight up, my family (brother and sister) was a no-go area and ultimately reduced our relationship to the occasional hey’s and hi’s on 2go. He became persistent in his request to visit, often joking about outing me to my family, saying things like he would visit unannounced or come see my parents when I resumed school. It dawned on me that this one wasn’t going away easily, and so I geared up for what was to become a tough battle.

My task was simple: keep him away from my family or rather them from him. Bigwizzy1000’s big body frame was no match for the big headache he gave me. He added my sister on Facebook and began chatting with her. Soon after, she told me about it and I got worried. I managed to peek through her Facebook and I read their conversation. His last message read: “Do you know the relationship between me and your brother?” I wasn’t about to take any chances and I blocked his contact about five times. I was getting scared, I panicked, and I went off on him, engaging him in a spat. He didn’t back down; instead, he got bolder and clapped back at me.

Out of fear, I switched to Plan B. Pleading calls and texts messages to him, asking him to leave me in peace. That was an exercise in futility. Then my little forms of bribery followed – MTN 200 today, Airtel 500 tomorrow. It still didn’t do the trick. He remained a nasty character. I went on the offensive again, calling him names, every insult laden with hate, anger and resentment. I saw him for who he was, a phony, and I threatened to arrest and detain him. He must have known I was bluffing because he didn’t flinch and remained the cantankerous bull in my china shop. He went on the offensive too, saying I would regret meeting him and he was going to make my life a living hell. As if he wasn’t already doing that. He told me that all the transport fare I had so graciously given him served as payment for the services he rendered. I was particularly afraid of his threat to out me, because my whole family – believe it or not – is homophobic. Although I knew they wouldn’t take the word of a stranger over that of their ‘straight’ son, I feared it would breed suspicion. Once that seed is sown, it’ll germinate. I didn’t need their scrutiny; it would take some time to find out I am not as straight as they thought, but thanks to ASUU, there was ample time. And so this once booty call of mine became my date from hell.

I stopped frequenting 2go, hoping Bigwizzy1000 would get tired and just let me be. It worked. Months passed and life was returning to normal. No calls, texts or messages from him and I felt almost ready to re-enter society.

Then it happened.

“Bayo,” my sister called out one afternoon. She met me at the passage to my room and said in a stern voice, “I want to ask you something.” As if that wasn’t enough, she added, “And I want you to just be honest with me and tell me the truth.” This she said as she walked to the parlour.

My sister and I had a close bond, the kind that exists between siblings born of the same womb of course, but we were different. She was queen – while my dad was king – of the homophobes in my house.

The distance from the passage to the parlour was about ten yards, but it seemed like two football fields put together. I felt dazed. Bigwizzy1000 had followed through with his plan: he had told her I was gay. Okay. I could picture my burial. Brown coffin, black dresses and all. I took my steps, bambi style, like a newborn deer, often uneasy, unsteady and filled with a lot of pressure. Each step brought the parlour closer to me, and just then, I started noticing the crooked design of our living room. The fairly faded colour of the paint on the wall, the little crack beside the wall clock, the TV’s position, a little dust on the shelf. The parlour was big all of a sudden. Too big.

She was standing at the door and the reflection of the sun made a silhouette. She turned until we were standing face to face. She wasn’t smiling. He face was firm and hard, her eyes almost piercing through my skin.

I was afraid, very afraid. Her lips parted to reveal her perfect set of white teeth. And then there was the tongue, and then words came out of that beautiful mouth she owned. I was feeling hot and cold at the same time.

As soon as I heard the first words that proceeded out of her mouth, the earth stood still. Everything behaved as if they were suspended in time.

I heard her, sound and clear, but then again, I didn’t hear her at all.

She decided to further complicate my misery by telling me to “be honest”. My heart became a beat for an Eminem rap song, often threatening to burst out of my chest. My eyes had gathered tears and were ready to let go. I hadn’t prepared an answer for this day. My defence was weak. Had I said anything, it would have sounded like the squeaking of a whale. I wasn’t ready to lie. I was going to tell her the truth and damn all the consequences, but first I was going to make sure Bigwizzy1000 was coming to hell with me.

The question she asked me will never leave my mind. It sent me crashing into the sofa. In a hugely exasperated manner, her cheeks relaxed and I replayed the words she said in my head.

“Does this dress make me look fat?”

Writer’s Word: This story is true and is dedicated to my boo, Danyl.

Written by Orobo Hunter

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43 Comments

  1. Kenny
    August 05, 05:20 Reply

    Pinky is today hilarious Friday on KD? ??? Dude you tried it with that ending sha, almost had me

  2. Mandy
    August 05, 05:34 Reply

    What then happened to Bigwizzy1000? Did that hot fat mess eventually go away quietly?

  3. DI-NAVY
    August 05, 06:44 Reply

    Lmao. I love this story . A touch of wit . I laughed all through

  4. Francis
    August 05, 07:08 Reply

    ??????

    All these cyber hookups that end up threatening to out person. Na to issue your own threat of outing them in their environment well well and watch dem bck down sharp sharp. Worked for me ?

    • Kenny
      August 05, 07:23 Reply

      PP, there’s a story here o. Francis you know what to do. The Panther’s email has not changed ?

      • Francis
        August 05, 07:24 Reply

        No tenkiu. I’m not a story teller ????

    • ambivalentone
      August 05, 07:27 Reply

      Dude, from all indications, it appears there were no return matches by our big ppl lover here. E go hard small.

      OAN Anyone noticed the stupidly tacky end Tite Kubo has given Bleach? And I was warned to give up early o.

      • ambivalentone
        August 05, 13:43 Reply

        Pinky, this Francis can like to avoid story telling. Hian. That’s TWO stories he has tried to worm out from telling that I know o

    • KingBey
      August 06, 09:20 Reply

      Exactly ! One tried it with me 2014. I issued by K dame threat and the bitch backed down. Lol. Rabbish !!!

  5. Kainene
    August 05, 07:39 Reply

    God of bearded women!!!! *clutches chest* that ending nearly gave me a heart attack.
    Being outed by anoda person…not funny at alll, lucky youu.

  6. Brian Collins
    August 05, 08:19 Reply

    Hahahahahaha, i laughed very hard after reading this. I recently joined grindr and happened on a profile with the same name of the writer. If it is the same person, he sure likes his men big.

  7. simba
    August 05, 08:38 Reply

    To younger readers, please dont ever take a stranger to your family house. Neither should you take internet hook ups to your house. it is wrong in all ramifications. its a disrespect to your parents, your siblings and your self. Use chalets, they are cheap and no questions asked.

    • Francis
      August 05, 09:18 Reply

      Admin append this one to the end of the post ???

    • bruno
      August 05, 09:20 Reply

      for your own safety, yea… disrespect to your family? give me a break

    • FOOFOO
      August 05, 09:32 Reply

      Not in every case and considering the Nigerian scenario it may not ba applicable. How many of those chalets are actually safe? Imaginethe hoteliers always seeing you coming to rent a room for a fee hours with guy in tow… Wetin una dey do there? Fasting and prayer? Besides, not to mention the treat of being caught, when overzealous hotel staff bursts in. Besides, not many young Nigerians can afford the hotel pay sef (this includes those in the working class oh). So in the more realistic sense, the homes or family houses may just be the available option if privacy is assured. What I however see wrong here is screwing a boy when other family members are around…

    • Pink Panther
      August 05, 11:32 Reply

      Um, what about students looking to hook up, simba? They’re to also keep booking chalet rooms upandan with every visit to Grindr that makes sense?

      • ambivalentone
        August 06, 04:47 Reply

        You know what African parents would say here – “Face your books o. Don’t be sexing upandan”

        • Pink Panther
          August 06, 05:51 Reply

          LOL! Abegi! Konji is a respecter of no man or ambition.

  8. FOOFOO
    August 05, 09:22 Reply

    Jeez! That Bigwizzy guy was one spiteful bitch! I think he probably did it because he felt you were turning him down, but he certainly took the craziness too far? How dare he try to form a relationship with your family, is he feeling like the wife or something?/tsk…? Some guys sha..

  9. Khaleesi
    August 05, 09:40 Reply

    ****exhales slowly**** now, that got scary! I used to know a chub chaser, i frankly don’t understand chub chasing, but oh well …
    Its never a good idea to take an online hookup to your home on the first date, rein in your hormones and try to get to know him well enough before you innate him home …

    • Pink Panther
      August 05, 11:31 Reply

      Lol. What don’t you understand about chub chasing? Pray tell.

  10. BIG BLUE
    August 05, 11:47 Reply

    in other news, I think I just killed myself literally, I had sex with my best friends boyfriend and it’s haunting me to death
    My bestie is in Lagos while me and his bf are here in the east, my bestie suggested we stay in the same house so “monitor” him
    I’m guilty and the bf is partially crazy he’s been calling my bestie all day if I had told him anything and bestie keeps asking me what’s up
    advice puleeeeeeaze 🙁

    • Francis
      August 05, 12:55 Reply

      *adjusts seat for possible bloodbath*

    • Pjay
      August 05, 13:20 Reply

      won’t anybody advise big blue? ur bestie gan sha. How can any right thinking gay man trust his boyfriend to his gay bestie? If you truly feel guilty, you will stop fucking your bestie’s bf immediately. It’s not a bad idea if one of you leaves the house to avoid d awkwardness or d continuation of the immoral affair that is bound to ensue if you still live together.

      • ambivalentone
        August 05, 13:53 Reply

        Errr because your current crop of besties are husband snatchers with u as their reigning queen does not make the rest of the gaybourhood think like you.

        Madam Big Blue, there’s something called trust. Strong enough to carry a whole world, weak enough to be crashed by mere spittle. You and ur ‘bf’ s cheating boyfriend are scum. I won’t be surprised if it didn’t happen just once. Lemme guess- three rounds per episode abi? I hope that guilt making him call ur best friend kills him. Iwo le pa eyan o.

        • Pjay
          August 05, 14:40 Reply

          lol, Ambi!! if only u knew. smh

        • Brian Collins
          August 05, 15:21 Reply

          Aha uncle Ambi, kamdan na. You want the boy to goan commit suicide on top of sleeping with his bestie’s bf. I think it is a great betrayal too. And I think they should both come clean. Might be a hard thing to do but they have to do it. Just don’t blame the devil when you are making the confession.

          • Francis
            August 05, 15:37 Reply

            ????? @ Don’t just blame the devil

          • Pink Panther
            August 05, 18:39 Reply

            LMAO! The devil cannot be allowed to go scot free oo! He must be blamed.

      • Brian Collins
        August 05, 15:15 Reply

        E Wa naa, is this one dumb? Who else would you trust your boyfriend with if not your best friend? Are there others like Pjay, who would call someone their best friend and not be able to trust them with their boyfriends.

    • KingBey
      August 06, 09:28 Reply

      Who Topped who? Let’s start from there…..because some guys can tolerate a bit when their man Tops another during cheating but not when their man is Topped.

  11. Mr. Fingers
    August 05, 12:26 Reply

    lol. This guy self. Hahaha. Anyway u learnt the hard way.

  12. Orobohunter
    August 05, 13:03 Reply

    Whoa! Thanks for the awesome comments.. Nice one PP.

  13. Pjay
    August 05, 13:26 Reply

    “Although I knew they wouldn’t take the word of a stranger over that of their ‘straight’ son, I feared it would breed suspicion.” This is only true if you are extremely straight acting and have a horde of girlfriends that they have proof you are romantically interested in. Otherwise, you’d quickly see how distrustful of you your parents are.

  14. You-Know-Who
    August 05, 15:12 Reply

    Who is this Orobo hunter.. ill love to meet him. to discuss one or two things of course.
    Hilarious piece by the way.

  15. z
    August 05, 21:58 Reply

    Haha. Good one. I was really scared for you.
    And the way you remembered the details of the day, from the crooked design of your living room to the crack on the wall to your sister’s beautiful mouth. ..Good one

  16. Valentine
    September 15, 23:16 Reply

    Hahahahaha let say he was naive and young

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